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I, as in Stephanie, had a very interesting weekend experience that caused me to learn so much about myself. Fox and I went on a date with a fun and sexy couple that we met on one of our websites. The date started out as usual, getting to know each other, a bit of verbal flirting and moved into us getting a hotel room. I won’t go into much detail other than it wasn't a terrible experience between me and the guy but it wasn't as much as I would have liked for it to have been. He was a great guy, just a bit to gentle for me. I kept looking over at Fox and the woman and I was experiencing a bit of jealousy, not because he was with her but because they were having such a good time and I wasn’t. The man wasn’t terrible by any means, he was just not providing what I was into.
Looking back afterwards, I feel that I should have spoken up and said something, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to ruin Fox’ fun with the woman. But I did learn a few very important lessons with this experience. The most important revelation from this experience is I don’t want a man who tends to be submissive. I am submissive by nature and if you are not going to take control of the situation and fuck them then I don’t want to be part of the experience. I have Fox to make love to me, I just want to be hard core fucked when we are playing, but again, I did not express my desires so here I was in a situation that I wasn’t enjoying.
Secondly, I feel as if I would have had a much better time if I would have had a connection with the couple before jumping in bed with them. I might have had a completely different experience with the couple and enjoyed his passive nature if I had known them longer than a hot minute. Armed with these new revelations I now have some things to ensure before I sleep with a couple; 1. Is the man going to be more dominate, take control over the situation and fuck me? Ensure that this expectation is established from the onset of our flirting, and 2. Do I have a connection with the couple that encourages me to be more open and forthcoming about my needs and desires.
I am learning that when I am in these situations, I will automatically default to what is comfortable to me and that is go along with other’s want instead of expressing my needs. Fox is very observant and realized what was happening and provided an out for me which was greatly appreciated. It is my responsibility to be in control of my experience, but that is much easier said that done when I am in these situations and Fox is having such a great time. With that said, I am human, and I have emotions that I can’t control at times and I must feel comfortable with expressing those when I do feel them to Fox because he is my protector. I know that this lifestyle is not easy and I am personally navigating the obstacles that arise from it, and I legitimately try to practice what I preach to my clients, but when shit happens I am also honest and open so that others can learn from our journey as well. You are not in this alone, we all make mistakes.
-Sex Therapist Stephanie Sigler MS,NCC,LPC
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