WOMEN Pain during sex is usaully diadnosed as Dypareunia. A medical evaluation for dyspareunia usually consists of: A thorough medical history: Your doctor might ask when your pain began, where it hurts, how it feels and if it happens with every sexual partner and every sexual position. Your doctor might also inquire about your sexual history, surgical history and childbirth. Don't let embarrassment stop you from answering truthfully. These questions provide clues to the cause of your pain. A pelvic exam: During a pelvic exam, your doctor can check for signs of skin irritation, infection or anatomical problems. He or she might also try to locate your pain by applying gentle pressure to your genitals and pelvic muscles. A visual exam of your vagina: using an instrument called a speculum to separate the vaginal walls, might be performed as well. Some women who have painful intercourse also have discomfort during a pelvic exam. You can ask to stop the exam if it's too painful. Other tests. If your doctor suspects certain causes of painful intercourse, he or she might also recommend a pelvic ultrasound. Treatment Medications: Ther are many medications avaialble to help treat dyspareunia, the drawbacks are that the drug might cause hot flashes, and it carries a risk of stroke, blood clots and cancer of the lining of the uterus (endometrium). Desensitization Therapy: You learn vaginal relaxation exercises that can decrease pain. Counseling or Sex Therapy: If sex has been painful for some time, you might have a negative emotional response to sexual stimulation even after treatment. If you and your partner have avoided intimacy because of painful intercourse, you might also need help improving communication with your partner and restoring sexual intimacy. Talking to a counselor or sex therapist can help resolve these issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy also can be helpful in changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. This form of treament has been found to have the greatest success among women. Learn More Here MEN Pain during sex for men, is the discomfort normally caused by an erection. A thorough medical history: Your doctor might ask when your pain began, where it hurts, how it feels and if it happens with every sexual partner and every sexual position. Your doctor might also inquire about your sexual history, surgical history and childbirth. Don't let embarrassment stop you from answering truthfully. These questions provide clues to the cause of your pain. Treatment Medications: Pain Durung sex in men is a tad more stream line with so many medications on the market today. However, these medications don't treat the underlined issue, rather they mitigate it. Treatment is recommended before medication, as many medications have negative effects that surpass the original issue and cause further damage. Counseling or Sex Therapy: If sex has been painful for some time, you might have a negative emotional response to sexual stimulation even after treatment. If you and your partner have avoided intimacy because of painful intercourse, you might also need help improving communication with your partner and restoring sexual intimacy. Talking to a counselor or sex therapist can help resolve these issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy also can be helpful in changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. This form of treament has been found to have the greatest success among women. Learn More Here

Based on these studies, the average length of an erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.5 inches (12.95-13.97 cm), but after taking volunteer bias into account, it is probably toward the lower end of this range. Ref: National Library of Medicine

There are common eight key reasons why people have affairs or cheat: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance: Though most cheating involves sex, it is rarely just about sex itself. Most participants felt some form of emotional attachment to their affair partner, but it was significantly more common in those who reported suffering from neglect or lack of love in their primary relationship. Around two thirds of participants (62.8 percent) admitted to expressing affection toward their new partner. And about the same proportion (61.2 percent) engaged in sexually explicit dialogue with them. Roughly four out of 10 (37.6 percent) had intimate conversations, while one in 10 (11.1 percent) said, “I love you.” Those who reported feeling less connected to their primary partner experienced greater emotional intimacy in the affair, perhaps as a way of fulfilling that need. Similarly, when infidelity was linked to lack of love, individuals found the experience more intellectually and emotionally satisfying. (1) People reported feeling more sexually fulfilled when they cheated because of desire, lack of love or a need for variety. References: Scientificamerica.com; by Lewandowski Jr.

WOMEN By definintion, you may or may not have hypoactive desire disorder if you lack sexual thoughts, desires, fellings, and the absence of these feelings causes distress. Weather you fit the medical diagnoses or not we suggest going to you Doctor for a check up such as: -A Pelvic Exam: this exam can somtimes show signs of your bodies physical changes that may affect your sex drive. -Testing: Blood, hormone level, and thyrid testing can shows signs of your biological changes that may affect your libido. -Referral: Your doctor may refer you to a specialist such as a Sex Therapist to evaluate the emotional or mental factors that cause low sex drive. Treatment Most Women benefit from a treatment approach aimed at discovering and treating the condition found to be lowering your sex drive. Things like sex Education, sex therapy, and somtimes medications or hormone replacement has great success. It has been commonly reported that most issues with low sex drive can be overcome with therapy. Sex Therapy Holding sessions with a Sex Therapist or Board Certified Sex Coach skilled and educated in addressing intimacy and sexual concerns can help with low sex drive. Therapy and Coaching often includes education about sexual response and techniques. Many women see great success with seeing a mental health professsional allowing them to avoid invasive testing, or high medical payments. Learn More about Sex Therapy MEN Low sex drive in men is a tad more stream line with so many medications on the market today. However, these medications don't treat the underlined issue, rather they mitigate it. Treatment is recommended before medication, as many mediacations have negative effects that surpass the original issue and cause further damage. -Testing: Blood, hormone level, and thyrid testing can shows signs of your biological changes that may affect your libido. -Referral: Your doctor may refer you to a specialist such as a Sex Therapist to evaluate the emotional or mental factors that cause low sex drive. Treatment Most men benefit from a treatment approach aimed at discovering and treating the condition found to be lowering your sex drive. Things like sex Education, sex therapy, and somtimes medications or hormone replacement have shown success. It has been commonly reported that most issues with low sex drive can be overcome with therapy. Sex Therapy Holding sessions with a Sex Therapist or Board Certified Sex Coach skilled and educated in addressing intimacy and sexual concerns can help with low sex drive. Therapy and Coaching often includes education about sexual response and techniques. Many men see great success with seeing a mental health professsional allowing them to avoid invasive testing, or high medical payments. Learn More about Sex Therapy

Is your libido low or off? Medications, health, stress, depression, neurological issues and more can be to blame. Below are 5 common reasons why you may not be interested in sexual contact: Low libido When you first met your sexual partner(s) or playmate(s), there was New Relationship Energy(NRE) which took the form of electricity, passion, lust, intrigue, and lots of fun sex. Now, it’s a challenge to remember the last time you were that intimate together through sexual contact. It is common for many relationships go through some sort of down time, typically after 6 months to a year. We invite you to recognize the real-life obstacles to your healthiest, most fulfilling sex life, so you can find ways to overcome them Cell Phone Use Technology, computers, and Smartphones keep us connected to everyone except to the people that matter; the one people we are intimate with. We’re on our phones and computers when we spend time together, before we go to sleep, and all too often first thing when we wake up. In a study of nearly 150 married women, 70% said that technology interferes with their sex lives*. Take the time to disconnect and divert your attention to those in the room with you. (*Ref: Health.com) Life is Busy When it comes to day-to-day priorities, sex is often forgotten about or put last on your list. We have a to do list of stressors that must be accomplished. When our partner(s) approach us with intimacy, many of us respond with "Really, I have so many things to do and your talking about sex?" Try to accept that fact that not all stressors on your to do list need immediate attention, and relax a bit. Get naughty, it's the biggest stress relief medicine out there. Physical Fitness Believe it or not fitness plays a large role in our sexual urges. Aside from boosting morale, confidence, and stimulating your mood, working out activates feel good hormones adding to your sexual awareness and urges. Move around for at least 30 min a day and maintain a healthy eating plan for 30 days and see how much more sex is introduced into your thoughts, life, and bedroom. Self Image Hollywood does a great job of creating fairytale images of the sexual and sexy. Being concern about body flaws can leave you hiding from yourself and your sexual partner(s). Your mentality about your body plays a large role in your sexual activity. If you don't like something about yourself determine if it is a long term or short term reachable goal. Go for the small wins and reward yourself with fun sexual play each time you reach a goal. There are many psychological causes of low sex drive, including: Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression. Stress, such as financial stress or work stress. Poor body image and much more. Take control of yourself and change what you can control and watch your confidence and sexual activity rise.

Q: I'm bi and married, I’m seeing guys professionally and I want to tell my wife. How? A: Due to the limited details, I am going to allow myself the freedom to assume many elements in regards to your question. Here are my working assumptions: 1. You are in a committed relationship. 2. You are part of the swinging lifestyle. 3. You are bisexual. 4. You have not openly discussed that you are bisexual with your partner. 5. You are crossing established boundaries created by you and your partner. There are many times when an individual ‘comes out’ so to speak about their sexuality it is exciting and will want to tell everyone immediately! You feel free to live your authentic self and that is life changing for many. I want you to ask yourself some honest questions: 1. What is your intent? Do you want to see men individually or are you wanting to incorporate your partner in the play? 2. Will she see this as a betrayal to the relationship or will she be openly accepting? 3. What are the possible outcomes? Another missing element that I am forced to assume is that your dynamic has some communication issues at this time. The lifestyle is meant to help increase communication between partners and this seems to be damaging the trust you have established thus far with your primary partner. I absolutely agree that you need to have this vital conversation with her but I need you to be prepared for her reaction, whatever that may be. Your original question asked how do you start this conversation and I recommend your thoroughly explore the questions above and then sit down to face what every may happen. You just have to lay it all out on the table and hope that you can rebuild the trust.

Q: Would love to get your thoughts and advice on how two people (married) can evolve their relationship when they are significantly opposite in terms of sexual openness. Thanks! A: Thank you for submitting your question and trusting me to provide you with insight. When couples have mismatched libidos or differing degrees of sexual openness there tends to be one partner that feels as if they are missing out on sexcapades or experiences due to their partner’s inhibition. This can result in resentment or a myriad of other negative feelings that can be detrimental to a relationship if not discussed and processed. I want to begin by stating that as a couple you can only move as fast as the slowest player in the experience. If one partner is more open to various sexual adventures but the other partner is not comfortable with some of the happenings that accompany those adventures then a tough yet healthy conversation will need to be had. This initial conversation will need to explore what each partner would like to occur, what are the boundaries for the less adventurous partner and explore possible areas for growth as a couple. I highly suggest that you both complete our Sex Menu activity that can be found on our website under Resources. I would print the chart that is provided and present it to your partner as a way to find a common language for your mismatched sexual desires. The chart is divided into 3 sections: Section 1: Things I WANT: This is the area where you put your current requests and desires. I always suggest that you write 5 -10 requests ranging in intensity. If you know that your partner is not going to do what you request at this time then don’t put that in this box, you will have that opportunity to share that in the next section. This section is to help you grow your partner’s confidence in trying new things that you are requesting. If you put things that are an absolute no-go for your partner then they will feel defeated from the very beginning. Remember, we want to push their boundaries but not so far that they shut down and feel negatively towards the activity. Section 2: Things I would like to try: This is where you would put the things that might be a bit out of the boundaries of your partner but nothing extremely crazy. This activity is mean to be done at least once a month so as the partner grows and becomes comfortable with trying new things you can add more intense requests. This section is meant to be a preview of what you are working towards and breaking the ice on those requests. These are not demanding or relationship-ending requests, these are just ideas. Section 3: No Thank You! This section is for hard stops in sexual exploration at this time. That doesn’t mean that this is set in stone forever, but it is set in stone during this round of utilizing the Sex Menu. After you have completed the sex menu independently you then exchange it with your partner and have a conversation about the items on the list. You can highlight the agreed-upon activities and table those that might be intimidating at the moment. You can always move requests around on the list or put things on a separate list to try during the next cycle of fun. This activity can be modified to look any way you want or need it to look and that is the beauty of the discussion after the list is created. You are making requests and exploring possible solutions to those requests. In closing, you want to grow with your partner sexually and if they feel they are being shamed for not having the same sexual spirit as you then growth will be stunted or forced. Forced growth leads to resentment and obstinance. You love your partner; you want to experience many things with this partner but you can not push them before they are ready. If you would like more resources please look through our website or you may sign up for coaching sessions as well.

Q: Hi I’ve been married for 16yrs this month and I just heard a podcast of y’all and need some help please. Like I said I’m married and there are many things that are missing in this relationship. One is I like to masturbate and my wife doesn’t, she says it’s cheating. But I would love to walk in on her. But she refuses. Second, I have begged her that maybe we should go try swinging or go to a nude beach or something exciting but she refuses. She says it’s all charting and no she could never. I want to see her with another guy or lady so bad but no is all I get. I am so open but have to hide it because I love her and don’t want to lose her. But I feel trapped. I want to be with someone that wants to live free and wild. To try new things like this together. I’m just lost. Please help me. I’ll be 40 this month and there is so much I want to live. A: First off, happy 40th birthday! I turn 40 this month as well, we are only getting better with time. As for the meat of your question, that is more complicated and extremely delicate to navigate. I would like to begin with the belief that masturbation is cheating. Unfortunately, there are many people who believe that this is a form of cheating due to pleasuring yourself instead of your partner. This is such a hot topic within many religious communities and since I am unsure of her beliefs, I am going to be making some assumptions in this response. If you were in my office, I would explore the following: 1. What was she taught about masturbation growing up? 2. Was she ever shamed for masturbating? 3. Why does she feel personal exploration of her body is a bad thing? The answers to these questions can help you better understand why she against masturbation and also help you normalize the behavior if the opportunity presents itself. When it comes to swinging, you can beg all day long but if she doesn’t see the benefit of sharing herself and her husband with others then you are simply wasting your breath. As open as you seem to be, she is telling your that she is monogamous by orientation. Monogamy is an essential element to her that appears to be non-negotiable in the same way being open is to you. Many people have strong and everlasting sexual characteristics that have been molded by society with varying degrees of acceptance and stigma. She has told you multiple times, in several ways that she is not interested. This now leaves you with a difficult decision to make; you feel trapped and the tone of the questions indicates that you are unhappy. I want to encourage you to explore ways to spice up your relationship monogamously. Will she wear costumes? Have sex in new places. Creating role-play scenarios can be fun and exciting. I feel that you have come to the conclusion that if she won’t swing then you are doomed for a life of boring sex and that is simply not true. Have the hard conversations about what she is willing to try and do within the confines of her boundaries, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Q: Is there a good way to get involved in the community of BDSM A: Welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM and all of the beautiful benefits it has to offer. There is absolutely a good way to become involved in the community. I want to be upfront with you by saying that you are responsible for your introduction to the BDSM community. With that being said, you are the only one who can make yourself feel welcome at events. If you attend an event and barely say a word, or stand in a corner you are not going to feel welcomed nor fully enjoy the experience. Here are some common newbie mistakes: Newbie Mistake 1: Separating yourself from the group. Many times, some groups go together to events, they know each other, they trust each other, and standing off to the side and watching will not help you meet new friends and potential play partners. Also, men who are standing off to the side watching come across as creepy. So, mingle and talk to others, get to know them. Newbie Mistake 2: Appearing shy or standoffish and not fully embracing conversations when people do come to talk to them. Part of being in this community is building and maintaining trust with others. If you are only giving one-word answers, not participating in the conversation, and truly building friendships then many won’t be interested in playing with you. There are many paths into the BDSM community and I am going to describe just a few of the many ways here. 1. Create a profile on FetLife. I wouldn’t recommend using it for dating but I do recommend using the platform as a means of finding events in your local area. There are so many groups on the site that welcomes a variety of sexual interests. Find the ones that you like and join them. 2. Attend a munch and meet people and learn more about the community. While there will be no play at munches this is a great way to meet people in your area and the kink scene. 3. Read, Read, Read! Learn as much as you can about yourself, the BDSM community, and any kink that might interest you. Visit our website, evolveyourintimacy.com for many free and helpful resources. 4. Attend play parties! Read the party description thoroughly and reach out to the host if you have any questions. Here are some general questions to ask if they are not specified in the description: a. Will there be Dungeon Monitors? b. What are the ground rules for the party you are wanting to attend? c. Will there be toys for general use or do you need to bring your own? Go into each experience with little to no expectations other than to learn more about yourself, your kinks, your desires, and if you play, great! But if you don’t, hopefully, you learned something about yourself, discovered a new kink, and met some great new friends. This is a beautiful world, welcome.

Q: Married for 33 years with no sex for 5, Help! Btw love the podcast and website, it has been very helpful in other areas of our life. A: Thank you for your kind words and for listening to our podcast. We try to be educational and entertaining so I am thankful that is coming across to listeners. First off, congratulations on 32 years of marriage. That is not an easy accomplishment in today’s society! I hope I can put up with Fox for that long. With that said, a sexless marriage is very hard to even when you love your partner wholeheartedly. Prioritizing sex can be hard when you are living a full life; however, sex is very important for a relationship to thrive and grow. I would imagine that you are feeling stagnant and possibly insecure. When one partner is experiencing hurtful feelings from not having your sexual needs met then the relationship agreement is no longer working and needs to be modified. I am not sure about the types of conversations you are having with your husband but you should express to him your true feelings and sexual needs in an assertive way. Before you verbalize your feelings, I suggest you write them down and make sure that you are not placing blame or shaming your husband. If you need help with clearly verbalizing your needs or you're unsure how to say what you need, I suggest that you seek professional help from a sex therapist. They can help you formulate your thoughts in a way that does not cause more harm in the relationship. I agree with your husband when he says that he might feel strange jumping back into the swing of sex after an extended period of celibacy, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. I would start with Sensate Focus exercises to help ease you both into intimacy with each other. Sensate Focus exercises are a fun, sensual way to reintroduce yourself sexually to each other in a slow manner that allows you to relearn what each of you enjoys sexually. Sensate Focus Exercise Quick and dirty version, for the full version you are welcome to visit our website evolveyourintimacy.com and look under resources. Week 1: Nonsexual Touching – Complete 3 Times During the Week Fully clothed, the receiver decides where they want to be touched in a nonsexual manner for 15-45 minutes depending on comfort level. You will then switch with your partner and they then decide where they would like to be non-sexually touched for 15-45. Examples: Cuddling on the couch, giving a back, hand, or foot massage, or sitting between your partner's legs and lay back on them while they hold you. Week 2: Spooning - Complete 3 Time During the Week Lay undressed in your bed on your left side for 15-45 minutes while the giver wraps around the receiver like 2 spoons nestled together. Adjust your pillows before starting to ensure you are not uncomfortable. There is no talking during this experience, feel your partner's body up against yours, their warmth, their closeness. When the time is come to an end gently turn to the right side so the small spoon now becomes the big spoon, get comfortable, and feel your bodies against each other again. Week 3: The Blissful Caress - Complete 3 Time During the Week Set the mood in the bedroom, adjust the temperature to a comfortable setting for a naked body, add candles, add music, anything to get you in a relaxed state of mind and comfort. For 10-15 minutes the giver will caress their partner in the most tender, sexual way possible. Slowly, yet barely touching, guide your hand over their body from head to toe, erogenous zones included. Similar to a gentle breeze blowing over their body, front and back and you are “awaken sexual sensations from the depths of the soul rather than to simply arouse sexually” (Brotherson, 2018). Once the time is up, switch roles and enjoy. The receiver should concentrate on the feelings, the sensations in their body, the electricity being created by their partner’s touch. Week 4: Touching & Caressing While Avoiding Erogenous Zones - Complete 3 Times During the Week This week you will incorporate your hands and lips to explore your partner's body, excluding their erogenous zones. We want the rest of the body to become alive through touch as would the erogenous zones would be if they were being touched and kissed. Undress, leave the lights on, and have the receiver lay comfortably on the bed while the giver caresses their body using their nondominated hand and lips discovering the textures and sensitivities of their partner’s body. The recipient is encouraged to move their partner’s hand if touch in a specific area becomes irritating, as well as provide verbal confirmation of what does feel good at that moment. For example, “I love it when you…” or even a satisfied “Mmmmm” will help your partner know they are providing pleasure. There is no time limit at this stage, the receiver will signal the giver when they are ready to switch or stop the exercise. Week 5: Kissing - Complete 3 Time During the Week Undressed, you will face each other, depending on your comfort level you can have one partner sit up with their back against the wall or headboard and the other partner sit between their legs with their legs wrapped around the partner’s back. There is no talking, only communicating with the eyes and when ready the giver will initiate the kiss. The kiss is not reserved only for the lips, explore your partner's neck, ears, face by nibbling, kissing, touching but avoid any other sexual contact. During the third time completing the exercise for the week, both partners will respond to each other’s kisses in a shared sensual experience restoring the passion of sensual kissing. Week 6: Touching & Caressing Including Erogenous Zones - Complete 3 Times During the Week Similar to week four, but include the erogenous zones; however, orgasm and intercourse are not encouraged. During the first session of the week, the giver will begin with the non-sensual areas of the body and the receiver will signal when they are ready for the giver to move to the erogenous zones. Switch partners when ready. For the second session of the week, the receiver will play a more active role in the exercise by moving their partner's hand to guide them to their most pleasurable places on their body teaching the giver how they want to be touched. Switch partners when ready. In the third session of the week, you will give each other a guided tour of your bodies, showing each other the specific areas of your body that you enjoy being touched and how you want them to touch you. Don’t be shy, this is your time to receive the pleasure you have been missing in the exact way you want it from your partner. Week 7: Orgasm & Intercourse - Complete 3 Times During the Week Begin by touching each other the way you were taught, kiss each other passionately. If you are a heterosexual couple, stimulate the vulva owner to orgasm before penetration and if you are a same-sex couple take turns to pleasure until orgasm. There should be so much sexual electricity built up by this time that you are both ready to explode!

Q: Hi Steph!! I am so at the end of my rope. My sexy, beautiful wife once said before we were married that she would be up for a three-way (I mentioned MFM just to relieve the possibility for jealousy) and now, after we are married, says she is not interested. Worse than that, it feels/look/seems like she is challenging herself to become more prude. WTF? I don't like to and have never been to the point of frustration in any of my relationships, but I feel like I have been taking sex from her. Major confidence breaker for me. I hate to sound like a dweeby guy, but I am really stuck. We have attempted to visit a sex therapist but she does not even want to do the masturbation exercises prescribed. I have done quite a bit of reading and my understanding is more confused than ever.. I told her that I did not want to ask her for an open relationship and that I have to high of an opinion of myself to cheat and then asked... Where do you see this going from here? She says I'm trying but after a few years, I resort to master Yoda - there is no try, there is only do or do not! (Sorry for the geek reference) Your thoughts? Thank you in advance. A: Allow me to start off by saying how much I appreciate your “geek reference”! To answer your question, you have what Dr. Michael Aaron calls desire discordance and this occurs when there is a difference in type of sexual activities partners’ desire. In your relationship you desire a threesome with your wife but she seems to be uninterested in this activity. Without knowing her side of the coin it is very hard to see the full picture I want to approach this situation very delicately and generically. When there is desire discordance in a relationship there are four main interventions that tend to occur. The first thing that could occur would be for you to suppress your desires for a threesome. The issue with suppression is that it is unsustainable for you and resentment will begin to grow towards your wife. The second intervention would be for her to try the threesome and process the experience with you with the understanding that she may never want to do this again. The third option is you can separate. Harsh, I know but that is a common occurrence when desires go unmet and resentment festers. The final intervention that tends to be effective when desire discordance enters the relationship is Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). DADT is when one partner goes outside of the relationship with permission to have their needs fulfilled within the limitations set forth by the couple. The partner, your wife in this situation, would know that you are doing things but doesn’t want to know the details or when you are having your desires satisfied. Many couples who partake in DADT behavior set rules such as the time designated for satisfying the needs cannot take away from family time. While DADT sounds great on paper it is not easy to deal with when partner can’t handle the unknown. I am biased and want every relationship to work out in a way where all members of the relationship are sexually satisfied and happy; however, that is not always the case. I feel that there are many elements in your situation that need to be explored in counseling so I am glad that you are seeing someone at this time. I want to encourage you to have an open conversation with her expressing your needs in hopes of finding a suitable alternative to your dilemma possibly using the aforementioned interventions.

Q: Dear Stephanie, What might be the best most ethical way to approach a vanilla couple and possibly introduce them to the lifestyle? A: Thank you for writing in to ask your question. Approaching a vanilla couple about the Lifestyle can be tricky. First, I want you to examine your reason for approaching them. Is this a couple you want to play with; therefore, you are sharing this information with them? Or are you wanting to simply share your exciting world with them. Secondly, I would encourage you to evaluate the quality of their relationship by asking yourself; Is there relationship in a place where they would benefit from the Lifestyle as a couple? If you are unsure about the caliber of their relationship or there is a constant negativity surrounding their relationship then I would hold off on talking to them about the Lifestyle and maybe suggest couples counseling. The Lifestyle does not ‘fix’ a broken relationship. Third, is this a friendship that you are willing to lose? If you approach this couple and they choose to discontinue their friendship with you and your partner will losing this friendship affect the quality of your life? If they know details about your Lifestyle and have never asked you for more insight then more than likely they are not interested. I have found that those who are curious will ask for more details and reveal their curiosity naturally. If you have evaluated all of the above and make the choice to continue with the conversation regarding your Lifestyle, I would suggest that you start with throwing out some sexual innuendos to see how they react. If they react positively, continue flirting and see where it goes but allow them to dictate the flow of the conversation and flirting. You know you are open, no need to prove it to them, allow them to show you what they are comfortable with. If the couple completely disregards your sexual advances then abort the conversation and move on to another topic. There are many sexy couples in the Lifestyle that are more than willing to play with you and your partner. I encourage you to evaluate what attracts you to this couple and find those characteristics in a couple already in the Lifestyle. They are there, they want to play with you, and you don’t run the risk of losing your established friendship. I hope this helps you and I wish you best on your Lifestyle adventures.

Q: How do you help someone who has expressed interest in the lifestyle get past their religious hang ups about it? A: This a great question regarding a very common situation surrounding the Lifestyle. There are many couples in the Lifestyle who successfully balance religion and swinging. There is even an online dating service called Christian Swingers; however, newbies tend to struggle with cognitive dissonance, conflicting beliefs and attitudes. Society sells the narrative that sex outside of your marriage or relationship is a terrible act that will lead you straight to hell. For many this is a very hard stigma to overcome, especially if they were raised in a religious environment. Thankfully, the Lifestyle hosts an atmosphere free of judgement and overflowing with acceptance. Our friends at SwingersHelp.com provided that “swingers are not just scary atheist heathens. There are many devoutly Christian, Jewish, and Muslim swingers as well as agnostics and atheists.” I encourage clients who are struggling with their religion and the lifestyle to explore what adultery means to them personally and as a couple. There are many controversial elements to the bible and other religious texts that are regularly broken and society doesn’t melt down; however, sex outside of the marriage bed is forbidden. For example, Proverbs 23:2 tells anyone who over eats to the point of gluttony should cut their throats. WHAT! Religious texts have been interpreted so many times by various scholars leaving the original meaning skewed. I encourage you to support your friend’s interest in the Lifestyle by holding a conversation about their concerns and providing resources that help them formulate their own opinions surrounding their personal beliefs. Religion is a personal journey for many so hold space for their concerns and lend an ear when they need to discuss and process their concerns.

Q; Hi Stephanie! We’re relatively new to the lifestyle and navigating the waters can be a bit tricky and have found great communication is key. Holiday parties are coming up and we’ve just been invited to attend several. How can I broach the subject to my spouse? Holiday parties have never been a part of our lives before the lifestyle. A: Holiday parties are such fun events and can help couples connect while experiencing a special event with friends and family. You expressed that you are relatively new to the Lifestyle and discovered that communication is key, that is great. I understand that holiday parties have not been part of your lives but neither was the Lifestyle. I can’t image that you didn’t wake up one day and start swinging as I am sure many hours of communication and negotiation went into your decision as a couple. I can posit that value has been added to your life since beginning your journey in the lifestyle and I would begin the conversation with your part by highlighting how that value has increased your intimacy. I would strongly suggest using “I” statements to express your desire to attend some of the parties. Also, you stated that you have been invited to several parties. I would sit down with my partner and explore the parties, guest lists, hosts and other information you have been provided then as a couple decide which holiday party would be the most fun for you guys. You don’t have to attend every party you have been invited to this holiday season. I hope this information helps you to communicate your desire to attend holiday parties and if we end up at the same party make sure to introduce yourself. Happy Holidays!!!

Q: Stephanie, I’ve been asking my wife for awhile about watching her with another man, she has been hesitant, she recently said to me maybe some day. Should I continue to ask. We have a strong marriage. A: This sounds exciting and, if done correctly, can enhance your relationship greatly. However, if you push the issue before she is ready it can cause extreme hardship in your relationship. An innocent question could damage the established trust you both have worked so hard to build. Doug Braun-Harvey, CST stated that “when it comes to sex, the most uncomfortable people in the room have all the power.” You cannot move forward with this request if she is not ready to move forward. With that said, I would start a conversation about why she is hesitant. What about the experience scares her? What about the experience intrigues her? Opening this healthy flow of conversation can be more insightful and empowering for her than pushing the issue by continuing to ask her if she will fulfill your request. You want to empower her, allow her to make the decision, and assure her that you are there no matter what she decides.

Q: OK, Stephanie, I am 100% straight, I am 59 year old male and know who I am. I have been in the Lifestyle (or whatever you call it) for about 9 years now. I have had an awesome time and met a great number of awesome people. I am currently "friends with bens" with 3 couples and I always contact the guys to setup meetings with their wives. Things are great that way - no dealing with the wives and everyone is cool. I have lots of sex. I feel grateful to the husbands and always thank them for allowing me to share their awesome wives. I am always encouraged to cum first, before the husbands. In two of the situations, I always leave before the husbands get their turn to finish. I am not sure what happens after that. What do you think happens after that? A: I am happy to hear that you are enjoying the lovely benefits of the lifestyle and meeting some great individuals. There can be a few things going on after you leave which we are going to discuss; however, if you want to know the exact happenings, I suggest you have a conversation with the couples over dinner and ask them what they do after you leave. If they want you to know they will tell you, but if they want to keep that private then you will have to use your imagination. One of the possibilities is that the husband is reclaiming his partner. Reclaiming can be mentally stimulating for many couples. After she plays with you her husband could use that time to remind her of why she chose him so many years ago, to show her that he can please her just as well, if not better, than you, or to emotionally reconnect after an evening of playing with each other. Having an orgasm can be a very intimate occurrence that is reserved for their pleasure only; therefore, when you leave, they finish what you have started. As a single male in the lifestyle, it is important that you remember you are being brought in to enhance their already amazing sexual relationship. You are not competition or a replacement. There are many emotional, psychological, and physical elements in a dynamic that the outside world can simply not understand.

Q: Just listened to another episode of your informative and fun podcast. My partner and I are new to the lifestyle. I didn’t have much interest at the beginning of our relationship but with his coaxing, I got into it. His interest was MFM. I wanted him to choose the guy and if he was comfortable with him to include me in the makings of it all. He did find a suitor pretty quickly. We met the guy together at our home and decided he would fit, especially since this was the first time for all of us. I wasn’t 100% attracted to the guy but with his personality and willingness to participate, I was more than happy to give it a shot. I had the time of my life. I enjoyed it all so much. Now we do not speak to the guy any partner decided that I would get to choose the guy this time around. I put myself out there. I have gotten to know a few guys that were a physical attraction first and then have done a little eliminating after getting to know their personalities. There is one guy I really want to get to know better but now my partner keeps making excuses as to why we can’t meet him. I’m certain it’s an insecurity issue. So, my question is should I just find a guy that I’m settling for or should I just give up on the pursuit? Do I just let him choose the men? I had such a good time with the first guy I could only imagine how great it would be with someone that checked all my boxes as well. A: Yes, I absolutely sang your name as I typed it! First off, welcome to this wonderful world of passion, communication, and freedom, AKA the Lifestyle. This can be the most powerful journey for your relationship if you allow it to be. Your lifestyle debut can either make or break the rest of the journey and it sounds as if your debut was a positive experience. Secondly, you must have strong communication skills with your partner in order to be successful in the lifestyle. With that said, have you explored why he might be feeling insecure about you finding the men? As humans, we tend to feel insecure when we compare ourselves to others and feel as if we can’t measure up. There could be the possibility of him being afraid to lose you to a man that you choose so he tends to select men who are not checking all of your boxes. If this is an insecurity issue with your partner you will need to have a very honest conversation about possible fears both of you are experiencing throughout this journey. I don’t want you to give up on your pursuit and allow him to choose the suiter for your enjoyment unless that is an agreed upon dynamic in your relationship. There are several ways to approach this situation but all of them require a hard conversation to hammer out any details and insecurities. We are not taught how to effectively communicate in our relationships and that can be detrimental to the health and quality of your marriage. I would suggest you utilize assertiveness statement. Using this technique can help you express your concerns and needs to your husband in a way that is easier for him to understand. Assertive statements are not intended to “fix the problem” but rather express how it looks from your perception; however, using this technique alone will not resolve the conflict. This is a took to open up a healthy conversation about your concern. There are four parts to the assertive message: When you (state observation), I feel or think (state feeling), because (state need). I would prefer that (state preference). “When you continue to make excuses about us meeting potential play partners, I feel that you have some insecurities regarding my commitment to our marriage because you are not trusting my judgment for my play partner. I would prefer that we talk about these insecurities and decide if the lifestyle will benefit our relationship”. I want to encourage you, or anyone reading this response, to create your assertive statement that will fully express your desires and needs clearly to your partner. Using this template can help you get your point across without blame or sounding threatening. However, if you are expecting your partner to immediately respond the way you want them to, you might have unrealistic expectations. Again, start the conversation and see where it leads you. If you are interested in learning more about effectively communicating with your partner you can find many free resources on our website or you may sign up for coaching session. It is imperative to know that you are not doing this alone, you have guidance at your fingertips if you need support.

Q: Hi I'm new to the swinger and BDSM lifestyle and was told about you guys from a friend but with little details and am intrigued and interested on how it works and how to get into and what to expect. Ty sincerely A: Thank you for reaching out and asking these fundamental questions on how to properly enter the lifestyle. This is an exciting world of sex, adventure, and passion but there must always be a high level of respect, communication, understanding and trust from all involved parties. In order to properly answer your questions, I am going to make a few assumptions. I am assuming you are with a partner and they want to enter into this amazing world of debauchery with you; however, if you are a single man then I encourage you to check out our upcoming workshop for single men in the lifestyle. You can find all of the details on our website: www.evolveyourintimacy.com/workshops I remember my excitement and openness when I first heard about the lifestyle, and I also remember the heartache experienced due to jumping in to fast. I want to encourage you to talk to you partner about your sexual desires, your personal boundaries, role-play various scenarios and discuss each of them fully and then talk about them again. Communication is key when participating in the lifestyle, as well as education. You don’t know what you don’t know and that can get you into trouble if you are not careful. If you are a single man, I would encourage you to be as open with any potential play partners. We have many podcasts about how to safely enter the lifestyle and I encourage you to listen to a few of those with your partner or by yourself. Then discuss what you both thought about what you heard; if your single then write it down. We have many podcasts about entering the world of BDSM as well. I would highly suggest that you begin small when practicing BDSM with your partner. Negotiate boundaries, discuss hard stops, identify triggers and be open from learning from your mistakes. Entering into the lifestyle is a process and it cannot be rushed. You can only move as quickly as the slowest member in your partnership. If you push them beyond their comfort level too quickly, they will shut down and become overwhelmed. You are embarking on a beautiful journey with your partner but it must be done thoughtfully and respectfully in order to be successful. Just to wrap it all together in a very pretty package. You will need strong communication skills, an overall respect for boundaries, raw honesty, patience and understanding for your sexual desires as well as your partner’s sexual desires or your play partners, and expect to make mistakes throughout the journey. Know that many take years to get to a healthy comfortable spot within the lifestyle as they continue to grow and evolve. If you have questions or would like your own personal tour guide into the lifestyle don’t hesitate to reach out to one of our licensed or board certifies professionals to walk you through the beautiful process. You can schedule your free 30-minute consultation on our website.

Q: Hi Ms. Sigler, I’m a newly single man coming off of a 14 yr relationship. Now, I’m my late 30’s, I want to explore and play and only want to do so with a unicorn or couples in the LS because of their honesty and tremendous communication. 1) is it possible at my age to make this happen and 2) can I do it as an, unfortunately, single male? Huge fan of the podcast with you and Fox and would love to hear your advice. A: Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with me. I want to ensure you that being in your late 30’s is the perfect age to enter the lifestyle. Honestly, the lifestyle is great for anyone between the ages of 18 and not dead. Thankfully, if you are respectful and honest there is something for everyone in the lifestyle. I will acknowledge that being a single man entering the lifestyle can be a bit difficult if you don’t have an established presence before you became single but it is not impossible. We have a few shows dedicated to single men entering the lifestyle and some of the key points that we discuss are: 1. Create an honest profile on dating websites that has current photos of yourself, detail what you are looking for in the lifestyle, and don’t present yourself as a stuck-up asshat. 2. Attend local meet and greets. Truly get to know couples without expectations. There is nothing worse than the creepy single guy who is hunting women at meet and greets. Introduce yourself and get to know the men if you are interested in their partner. Men need to know that you are not a threat and you will not cross boundaries they have established in their relationship. 3. If you feel a connection with the couple take it slow and thoroughly discuss their desires and boundaries of play. You are entering the dynamic as a gift for the couple, there should never be expectations because anyone can change their minds at any time. 4. Be humble. You might have the biggest cock in the room but you don’t have to be the biggest dick at the party. 5. After you get to know a couple and play for a bit, I suggest you have them verify you or leave a comment on your dating profiles for other couples to see. If there are other couples singing your praises then you will well in the lifestyle. I want to reiterate; you are not too old for the lifestyle. You might have a hard time finding unicorns to play with but they are out there. There is also an entire population of hot wives that thoroughly enjoy polite, sexy men to play with. I encourage you to explore your options, keep an open mind, and never have expectations for play when attending events. As always, check out our website for more resources and keep listening to the podcast! Stay sexy and playful.

Q: Hi I’ve been married for 16yrs this month and I just heard a podcast of y’all and need some help please. Like I said I’m married and there are many things that are missing in this relationship. One is I like to masturbate and my wife doesn’t, she says it’s cheating. But I would love to walk in on her. But she refuses. Second, I have begged her that maybe we should go try swinging or go to a nude beach or something exciting but she refuses. She says it’s all charting and no she could never. I want to see her with another guy or lady so bad but no is all I get. I am so open but have to hide it because I love her and don’t want to lose her. But I feel trapped. I want to be with someone that wants to live free and wild. To try new things like this together. I’m just lost. Please help me. I’ll be 40 this month and there is so much I want to live. A: First off, happy 40th birthday! I turn 40 this month as well, we are only getting better with time. As for the meat of your question, that is more complicated and extremely delicate to navigate. I would like to begin with the belief that masturbation is cheating. Unfortunately, there are many people who believe that this is a form of cheating due to pleasuring yourself instead of your partner. This is such a hot topic within many religious communities and since I am unsure of her beliefs, I am going to be making some assumptions in this response. If you were in my office, I would explore the following: 1. What was she taught about masturbation growing up? 2. Was she ever shamed for masturbating? 3. Why does she feel personal exploration of her body is a bad thing? The answers to these questions can help you better understand why she against masturbation and also help you normalize the behavior if the opportunity presents itself. When it comes to swinging, you can beg all day long but if she doesn’t see the benefit of sharing herself and her husband with others then you are simply wasting your breath. As open as you seem to be, she is telling your that she is monogamous by orientation. Monogamy is an essential element to her that appears to be non-negotiable in the same way being open is to you. Many people have strong and everlasting sexual characteristics that have been molded by society with varying degrees of acceptance and stigma. She has told you multiple times, in several ways that she is not interested. This now leaves you with a difficult decision to make; you feel trapped and the tone of the questions indicates that you are unhappy. I want to encourage you to explore ways to spice up your relationship monogamously. Will she wear costumes? Have sex in new places. Creating role-play scenarios can be fun and exciting. I feel that you have come to the conclusion that if she won’t swing then you are doomed for a life of boring sex and that is simply not true. Have the hard conversations about what she is willing to try and do within the confines of her boundaries, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Q: Do you think it’s appropriate for my wife to allow her brother-in-law to massage her body A: The immediate question that popped in my mind, is he a professional? If this is his job or he is professionally trained then I do not find it inappropriate at all. Especially since a massage is a very vulnerable activity that requires trust for many. I do not know your wife’s history but if she has had trauma in her past then she could find comfort in him and feel secure. Even if he is not a professional and he is just massaging her, what type of massage are you referencing? A full body, deep tissue massage or a rub of the shoulders and feet on occasion? In my opinion, if this is not sexual in nature and boundaries are not being crossed then I see nothing salacious about him massaging her but I am not with your wife and at the end of the day if you are uncomfortable with this then you need to have a strong conversation with your wife. I would like for you to ask yourself a few pondering questions: 1. Why does this bother you so immensely? 2. Why do you feel it is inappropriate? 3. Do you feel threatened by the individual time they are spending together? 4. If you are threatened, what is causing you to be uncomfortable? After you have practiced some self-reflection and identified the reason why this is uncomfortable for you I would have a conversation with her and discuss your self-reflections. This is your relationship and you should feel comfortable enough to discuss this with your partner.

Q: I’m creating new sexual ideas for us now that we are young empty nesters. Some things is keeping the house warm enough to lose clothes we are completely naked, sexual encounters in different rooms of the house, lots of toys. I find nice naughty outfits for her that I like. I picked out a portable striper pole to install for more added fun. Do you have any newer creative ideas that you can recommend? A: Congratulations on becoming young empty nesters! While I know that it can be overwhelming in the beginning with you babies being out of the house, it sounds like you are adjusting just fine! With that said, let’s spice thing with that sexy momma you have immediate access to. The stripper pole is a great idea. It will allow her to really feel sexy while teasing you. I would also suggest that you purchase some beginners pole dancing video so she can learn some basic moves and feel more confident. Adding a sex swing to the mix is always fun, as well as basic bed restraints. Personally, I am a fan of the bed restraints, blind folds and light impact play. I really enjoy when Fox blind folds me, ties me to the bed and takes 2 riding crops and lightly pats me like a drum all over my back, arms and legs. Pay special attention to her butt. This feels like a massage and she can verbally adjust the pressure to her comfort level. I have found the more turned on I become the harder I request that he drums me. Explore your kinks. Our kinks change and develop throughout our lifetime so what you thought she enjoyed previously might have changed. I highly suggest that you utilize our Sex Menu from our website at Kinkykoach.com and explore what you both might be into at this time. Having this Sex Menu completed allows you to tap into her desires and fantasies in a way that you might have never experienced previously. Overall, don’t be afraid to explore each other, try new things, and allow your imagination to run wild. You have the house to yourself and you are officially allowed to do what ever you kinky heart desires.

Q: Hello, They say the best way to get between a woman’s legs is between her ears. What type of words can I use to get between a woman’s legs without being too aggressive or strong and be accused of being sexually harassed to her? A: While I wish I could write you an exact script for precisely what to say, I am unable to provide that due to each woman being extremely different in their sexual desires. However, with that said, I am going to provide some insight into what works with me and then provide a general overview of what could be viewed as universal communication that speaks to a woman’s mind and not just her vagina. For me, I am attracted to men who can hold intelligent conversations with me about subjects I am attracted to. For example, I talk about sex all day long and I don’t want to counsel men during times of play nor discuss previous clients that I have worked with. If you want to get between my legs, I need to talk about topics that are sincere and honest. I want to know about you and your interest and what you find sexy. If we connect during that conversation then I am more likely to want to have sex with you, if we don’t connect, we still had a fabulous conversation and we each made a new friend. Overall, my most powerful piece of advice would be to go into each interaction with no expectations. If I know that you are just wanting to get in my pants and not get to know me for who I am. I don’t know how old you are so I am going to assume you are either in your 20’s or 30’s and new to the lifestyle as a single man or an older man trying to find the secret sauce to getting laid. Neither of those is negative by any means but at the current stage of my journey, I am not looking for a quick romp, I truly need a connection if you want me to enjoy myself. I hope this advice has helped you and if you are wanting more information we have many free resources on our website for you to enjoy or you can contact us and make an appointment for further guidance and coaching.

Q: Would love to get your thoughts and advice on how two people (married) can evolve their relationship when they are significantly opposite in terms of sexual openness. Thanks! A: Thank you for submitting your question and trusting me to provide you with insight. When couples have mismatched libidos or differing degrees of sexual openness there tends to be one partner that feels as if they are missing out on sexcapades or experiences due to their partner’s inhibition. This can result in resentment or a myriad of other negative feelings that can be detrimental to a relationship if not discussed and processed. I want to begin by stating that as a couple you can only move as fast as the slowest player in the experience. If one partner is more open to various sexual adventures but the other partner is not comfortable with some of the happenings that accompany those adventures then a tough yet healthy conversation will need to be had. This initial conversation will need to explore what each partner would like to occur, what are the boundaries for the less adventurous partner and explore possible areas for growth as a couple. I highly suggest that you both complete our Sex Menu activity that can be found on our website under Resources. I would print the chart that is provided and present it to your partner as a way to find a common language for your mismatched sexual desires. The chart is divided into 3 sections: Section 1: Things I WANT: This is the area where you put your current requests and desires. I always suggest that you write 5 -10 requests ranging in intensity. If you know that your partner is not going to do what you request at this time then don’t put that in this box, you will have that opportunity to share that in the next section. This section is to help you grow your partner’s confidence in trying new things that you are requesting. If you put things that are an absolute no-go for your partner then they will feel defeated from the very beginning. Remember, we want to push their boundaries but not so far that they shut down and feel negatively towards the activity. Section 2: Things I would like to try: This is where you would put the things that might be a bit out of the boundaries of your partner but nothing extremely crazy. This activity is mean to be done at least once a month so as the partner grows and becomes comfortable with trying new things you can add more intense requests. This section is meant to be a preview of what you are working towards and breaking the ice on those requests. These are not demanding or relationship-ending requests, these are just ideas. Section 3: No Thank You! This section is for hard stops in sexual exploration at this time. That doesn’t mean that this is set in stone forever, but it is set in stone during this round of utilizing the Sex Menu. After you have completed the sex menu independently you then exchange it with your partner and have a conversation about the items on the list. You can highlight the agreed-upon activities and table those that might be intimidating at the moment. You can always move requests around on the list or put things on a separate list to try during the next cycle of fun. This activity can be modified to look any way you want or need it to look and that is the beauty of the discussion after the list is created. You are making requests and exploring possible solutions to those requests. In closing, you want to grow with your partner sexually and if they feel they are being shamed for not having the same sexual spirit as you then growth will be stunted or forced. Forced growth leads to resentment and obstinance. You love your partner; you want to experience many things with this partner but you can not push them before they are ready. If you would like more resources please look through our website or you may sign up for coaching sessions as well.

Q: Hi Ms. Sigler, I’m a newly single man coming off of a 14 yr relationship. Now, I’m my late 30’s, I want to explore and play and only want to do so with a unicorn or couples in the LS because of their honesty and tremendous communication. 1) is it possible at my age to make this happen and 2) can I do it as an, unfortunately, single male? Huge fan of the podcast with you and Fox and would love to hear your advice. A: Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with me. I want to ensure you that being in your late 30’s is the perfect age to enter the lifestyle. Honestly, the lifestyle is great for anyone between the ages of 18 and not dead. Thankfully, if you are respectful and honest there is something for everyone in the lifestyle. I will acknowledge that being a single man entering the lifestyle can be a bit difficult if you don’t have an established presence before you became single but it is not impossible. We have a few shows dedicated to single men entering the lifestyle and some of the key points that we discuss are: 1. Create an honest profile on dating websites that has current photos of yourself, detail what you are looking for in the lifestyle, and don’t present yourself as a stuck-up asshat. 2. Attend local meet and greets. Truly get to know couples without expectations. There is nothing worse than the creepy single guy who is hunting women at meet and greets. Introduce yourself and get to know the men if you are interested in their partner. Men need to know that you are not a threat and you will not cross boundaries they have established in their relationship. 3. If you feel a connection with the couple take it slow and thoroughly discuss their desires and boundaries of play. You are entering the dynamic as a gift for the couple, there should never be expectations because anyone can change their minds at any time. 4. Be humble. You might have the biggest cock in the room but you don’t have to be the biggest dick at the party. 5. After you get to know a couple and play for a bit, I suggest you have them verify you or leave a comment on your dating profiles for other couples to see. If there are other couples singing your praises then you will well in the lifestyle. I want to reiterate; you are not too old for the lifestyle. You might have a hard time finding unicorns to play with but they are out there. There is also an entire population of hot wives that thoroughly enjoy polite, sexy men to play with. I encourage you to explore your options, keep an open mind, and never have expectations for play when attending events. As always, check out our website for more resources and keep listening to the podcast! Stay sexy and playful.

Q: Hi I’ve been married for 16yrs this month and I just heard a podcast of y’all and need some help please. Like I said I’m married and there are many things that are missing in this relationship. One is I like to masturbate and my wife doesn’t, she says it’s cheating. But I would love to walk in on her. But she refuses. Second, I have begged her that maybe we should go try swinging or go to a nude beach or something exciting but she refuses. She says it’s all charting and no she could never. I want to see her with another guy or lady so bad but no is all I get. I am so open but have to hide it because I love her and don’t want to lose her. But I feel trapped. I want to be with someone that wants to live free and wild. To try new things like this together. I’m just lost. Please help me. I’ll be 40 this month and there is so much I want to live. A: First off, happy 40th birthday! I turn 40 this month as well, we are only getting better with time. As for the meat of your question, that is more complicated and extremely delicate to navigate. I would like to begin with the belief that masturbation is cheating. Unfortunately, there are many people who believe that this is a form of cheating due to pleasuring yourself instead of your partner. This is such a hot topic within many religious communities and since I am unsure of her beliefs, I am going to be making some assumptions in this response. If you were in my office, I would explore the following: 1. What was she taught about masturbation growing up? 2. Was she ever shamed for masturbating? 3. Why does she feel personal exploration of her body is a bad thing? The answers to these questions can help you better understand why she against masturbation and also help you normalize the behavior if the opportunity presents itself. When it comes to swinging, you can beg all day long but if she doesn’t see the benefit of sharing herself and her husband with others then you are simply wasting your breath. As open as you seem to be, she is telling your that she is monogamous by orientation. Monogamy is an essential element to her that appears to be non-negotiable in the same way being open is to you. Many people have strong and everlasting sexual characteristics that have been molded by society with varying degrees of acceptance and stigma. She has told you multiple times, in several ways that she is not interested. This now leaves you with a difficult decision to make; you feel trapped and the tone of the questions indicates that you are unhappy. I want to encourage you to explore ways to spice up your relationship monogamously. Will she wear costumes? Have sex in new places. Creating role-play scenarios can be fun and exciting. I feel that you have come to the conclusion that if she won’t swing then you are doomed for a life of boring sex and that is simply not true. Have the hard conversations about what she is willing to try and do within the confines of her boundaries, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Q: Married for 33 years with no sex for 5, Help! Btw love the podcast and website, it has been very helpful in other areas of our life. A: Thank you for your kind words and for listening to our podcast. We try to be educational and entertaining so I am thankful that is coming across to listeners. First off, congratulations on 32 years of marriage. That is not an easy accomplishment in today’s society! I hope I can put up with Fox for that long. With that said, a sexless marriage is very hard to even when you love your partner wholeheartedly. Prioritizing sex can be hard when you are living a full life; however, sex is very important for a relationship to thrive and grow. I would imagine that you are feeling stagnant and possibly insecure. When one partner is experiencing hurtful feelings from not having your sexual needs met then the relationship agreement is no longer working and needs to be modified. I am not sure about the types of conversations you are having with your husband but you should express to him your true feelings and sexual needs in an assertive way. Before you verbalize your feelings, I suggest you write them down and make sure that you are not placing blame or shaming your husband. If you need help with clearly verbalizing your needs or you're unsure how to say what you need, I suggest that you seek professional help from a sex therapist. They can help you formulate your thoughts in a way that does not cause more harm in the relationship. I agree with your husband when he says that he might feel strange jumping back into the swing of sex after an extended period of celibacy, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. I would start with Sensate Focus exercises to help ease you both into intimacy with each other. Sensate Focus exercises are a fun, sensual way to reintroduce yourself sexually to each other in a slow manner that allows you to relearn what each of you enjoys sexually. Sensate Focus Exercise Quick and dirty version, for the full version you are welcome to visit our website evolveyourintimacy.com and look under resources. Week 1: Nonsexual Touching – Complete 3 Times During the Week Fully clothed, the receiver decides where they want to be touched in a nonsexual manner for 15-45 minutes depending on comfort level. You will then switch with your partner and they then decide where they would like to be non-sexually touched for 15-45. Examples: Cuddling on the couch, giving a back, hand, or foot massage, or sitting between your partner's legs and lay back on them while they hold you. Week 2: Spooning - Complete 3 Time During the Week Lay undressed in your bed on your left side for 15-45 minutes while the giver wraps around the receiver like 2 spoons nestled together. Adjust your pillows before starting to ensure you are not uncomfortable. There is no talking during this experience, feel your partner's body up against yours, their warmth, their closeness. When the time is come to an end gently turn to the right side so the small spoon now becomes the big spoon, get comfortable, and feel your bodies against each other again. Week 3: The Blissful Caress - Complete 3 Time During the Week Set the mood in the bedroom, adjust the temperature to a comfortable setting for a naked body, add candles, add music, anything to get you in a relaxed state of mind and comfort. For 10-15 minutes the giver will caress their partner in the most tender, sexual way possible. Slowly, yet barely touching, guide your hand over their body from head to toe, erogenous zones included. Similar to a gentle breeze blowing over their body, front and back and you are “awaken sexual sensations from the depths of the soul rather than to simply arouse sexually” (Brotherson, 2018). Once the time is up, switch roles and enjoy. The receiver should concentrate on the feelings, the sensations in their body, the electricity being created by their partner’s touch. Week 4: Touching & Caressing While Avoiding Erogenous Zones - Complete 3 Times During the Week This week you will incorporate your hands and lips to explore your partner's body, excluding their erogenous zones. We want the rest of the body to become alive through touch as would the erogenous zones would be if they were being touched and kissed. Undress, leave the lights on, and have the receiver lay comfortably on the bed while the giver caresses their body using their nondominated hand and lips discovering the textures and sensitivities of their partner’s body. The recipient is encouraged to move their partner’s hand if touch in a specific area becomes irritating, as well as provide verbal confirmation of what does feel good at that moment. For example, “I love it when you…” or even a satisfied “Mmmmm” will help your partner know they are providing pleasure. There is no time limit at this stage, the receiver will signal the giver when they are ready to switch or stop the exercise. Week 5: Kissing - Complete 3 Time During the Week Undressed, you will face each other, depending on your comfort level you can have one partner sit up with their back against the wall or headboard and the other partner sit between their legs with their legs wrapped around the partner’s back. There is no talking, only communicating with the eyes and when ready the giver will initiate the kiss. The kiss is not reserved only for the lips, explore your partner's neck, ears, face by nibbling, kissing, touching but avoid any other sexual contact. During the third time completing the exercise for the week, both partners will respond to each other’s kisses in a shared sensual experience restoring the passion of sensual kissing. Week 6: Touching & Caressing Including Erogenous Zones - Complete 3 Times During the Week Similar to week four, but include the erogenous zones; however, orgasm and intercourse are not encouraged. During the first session of the week, the giver will begin with the non-sensual areas of the body and the receiver will signal when they are ready for the giver to move to the erogenous zones. Switch partners when ready. For the second session of the week, the receiver will play a more active role in the exercise by moving their partner's hand to guide them to their most pleasurable places on their body teaching the giver how they want to be touched. Switch partners when ready. In the third session of the week, you will give each other a guided tour of your bodies, showing each other the specific areas of your body that you enjoy being touched and how you want them to touch you. Don’t be shy, this is your time to receive the pleasure you have been missing in the exact way you want it from your partner. Week 7: Orgasm & Intercourse - Complete 3 Times During the Week Begin by touching each other the way you were taught, kiss each other passionately. If you are a heterosexual couple, stimulate the vulva owner to orgasm before penetration and if you are a same-sex couple take turns to pleasure until orgasm. There should be so much sexual electricity built up by this time that you are both ready to explode!

Q: Is it normal for a Heterosexual Male to love Anal, for Himself? A: I want to assure you that it is normal and very common for heterosexual males to thoroughly enjoy anal stimulation during sexy time. The prostate, AKA the “P-Spot” is the male equivalent of the female G-spot, and when stimulated research has indicated that men experience a 33% stronger orgasm compared to penal frictional stimulation. Some men report having full body and even multiple orgasms when anally stimulated. According to LELO, "regular prostate massage reduces the risk of prostatitis, prostate cancer, genital pain, symptoms of erectile dysfunction and frequent nighttime urination. In addition, it improves overall erectile function and increases seminal fluid and circulation." If anally stimulating your partner is uncomfortable for you, I would suggest having a conversation with him regarding why it is uncomfortable for you. There are many misconceptions surrounding the idea of men enjoying anal pleasure and one way to reduce the uncomfortable misconceptions is to educate yourself on what it does for your man. Overall, it is very normal and common for heterosexual men to enjoy, even love, anal stimulation whether it is full penetration to massage his prostate or massaging the rim of his anus.

Q: As a licensed professional what made you comfortable with being out in the open and in the public eye when it comes to your sexuality. Further, did your sexuality influence your path of study or specialty? A: I was not always comfortable with my sexuality within my own self so sharing the information with the world was not even something that I ever thought possible. Before I could publicly share my sexual preference, I had to dig deep and determine my motives concerning being out in the public eye. In the end, I found that my story was very common yet rarely discussed due to fear of rejection from heterosexuals and homosexuals. Being bi-sexual provides the opportunity to enjoy both worlds; however, neither world really wants to claim us. In a recent study published in the journal of Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, research revealed that while bisexual prejudice exists in the gay community lesbians held more angst towards bisexual women compared to gay men. Being a professional in the public eye provides me with a voice and audience to help normalize my sexuality as well as encourage others to speak their truth. My sexuality absolutely influenced my therapeutic specialty. As a mental health counselor, I use my personal story to help others. I have found that this approach to therapy is not one that is commonly practiced in the discipline; however, I don’t know any other way. To satisfy my overwhelming need to clarify, I have many therapeutic techniques in my wheelhouse, but I integrate them with my personal story to help others. As a profession living the lifestyle, I am passionate about helping others on their journey to finding their place in this wonderful world of love and crazy adventures by ensuring they are educated and mildly entertained.

Q: Dear Steph, I find it highly erotic, when an Alpha type female "forces" another sexy female to fuck and suck cock, etc... especially in the course of s BDSM play scene. What do you call this kind of erotic play? A notable example would be Scarlett Pain & Kerry Louise from the Cum Disgrace series. Thank you! Viking Prince A: Dear Viking Prince, Thank you for writing and asking such an insightful question. I would call this type of relationship sadomasochism due to the ladies in Cum Disgrace deriving sexual gratification from humiliation of oneself or another person. I feel that you could be attracted to this style of play because you are envisioning yourself as the one committing the dominance over another person in a more forceful manner. Disgrace play tends to originate from the need or desire to have a slave of your own. In my experience, those who want this dynamic tend to want a slave they can manipulate, punish, and control at their will instead of actually caring about the slave. As an aside, the information/question presented was limited so this is completely my assumption based off of my previous experience with clients with similar erotic tastes and desires. I want to provide that there are many who thrive sexually and emotionally because of disgrace play so if this turns you on sexually then I encourage you to safely explore this style of play.

Q: Hi Stephanie, i try to be really open with my partner about our needs. I am asexual, and my partner is very into the lifestyle and seems to just be horny constantly. But i worry even after they communicate to me that being sexual isn't romantic to them, i still worry that they will form emotional bonds with their sex partners that I cant ever compete with since I can't give them that. How do i know it really is just sex and that they aren't cheating on me with my permission? A: Thank you so much for asking this question. The tone of the message tells me that you love your partner very much but you are struggling with understanding your role in this dynamic. Open relationships challenge one’s mindset and goes against societal norms regardless of sexual orientations. Mismatched sexual appetites are very common in relationships and the lifestyle is exactly what they need in their lives in order to bridge the gap between the two. In this situation you are not sexual but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have so much to offer this relationship. Sex is only one element of a relationship but it is not the deciding factor to making your relationship successful thus far. You mentioned the word ‘cheating’ and I want clarify that cheating is when a person is looking to replace their partner. I don’t feel that your partner is trying to replace you but rather fill a void they are missing sexually, not romantically. The lifestyle is not about romance, it is about friendships and sex. You have to be open to communicating with your partner and ask clarifying questions when you feel you need to. I want you to educate yourself, talk to a profession if you need to, and create a working knowledge of what this is about so you can use it as a tool to enhance your relationship. I believe in this situation you feel that if you cannot provide their sexual needs then you are not relevant in this relationship and that is a lie you are telling yourself. You are more relevant and wanted but you have to open up the communication and be honest about what you are feeling if you want to succeed in this relationship.

Q; Good morning and thank you for taking the time to answer questions from a professional's point of view. My wife is bisexual and a couple of years ago we decided together to get into the lifestyle and allow her to play with other women. Last year she came to me and said she felt it was unfair that she get to do all the playing so we decided to become a full swap couple. The issue we have faced is since we have been a full swap couple my wife only wants me to be sexual with women she finds attractive and that she can also play with. I find myself feeling this is now selfish on her part and I really don't get to choose what I want. I've wanted a couple of women, but she has told me no; either because they are not bisexual or because they don't want to play with her too. What would you do with your partner Fox? Do you allow him to want and be with other women that might not want you too? Please help me talk to her about this and how I'm felling. A: There are 2 viewpoints I am going to address your question; personally and professionally but they both center on the same beginning, communication. Personally, if Fox has a woman that he wants to play with but I don’t or they are not bisexual then we have a conversation about how to proceed. Here are the options we discuss 1. Would the lady be part of a threesome where I played with Fox and not her at the same time Fox is playing with the lady. It takes so finessing and more work for the gentleman but it can be achieved. 2. Am I willing to play with myself while I watch him play with her? If it is a full swap situation where the partner is involved then there are many ways to play as a foursome without all parties touching. Some of the combinations can be him play with her while you play with the partner, you and your partner watch the other couple and vice versa. You will have to be creative but this is absolutely achievable and can be so much fun! You have to use your imagination. Professionally, as a couples counselor, I want to really stress the importance of communication. The issue comes from how we communicate our feelings regarding the situation. Through the tone of the email I can tell that you are beginning to become resentful towards her and that is an ingredient in the recipe for disaster. I want to encourage you to communicate using “I” statements. Using assertive communication techniques focuses on your own feelings and experiences as well as help you communicate your concerns, feelings, and needs without blaming her or sounding threatening. Here is an example of how to approach the conversation with her "When you only allow us to swap with women who you find attractive or want to play with you as well I feel _________________ (state feeling) because I need this adventure to fair for both of us and is important to me. I would prefer that ______________ (state preference)." At the end of the day, if both partners are not happy or feel they are having an equitable experience in the lifestyle then resentment will develop. My comfort level in the lifestyle is much different than her comfort level so it is hard to compare but I know that using assertive communication will open up health conversations within the relationship.

Q: Hi I'm new to the swinger and BDSM lifestyle and was told about you guys from a friend but with little details and am intrigued and interested on how it works and how to get into and what to expect. Ty sincerely A: Thank you for reaching out and asking these fundamental questions on how to properly enter the lifestyle. This is an exciting world of sex, adventure, and passion but there must always be a high level of respect, communication, understanding and trust from all involved parties. In order to properly answer your questions, I am going to make a few assumptions. I am assuming you are with a partner and they want to enter into this amazing world of debauchery with you; however, if you are a single man then I encourage you to check out our upcoming workshop for single men in the lifestyle. You can find all of the details on our website: www.evolveyourintimacy.com/workshops I remember my excitement and openness when I first heard about the lifestyle, and I also remember the heartache experienced due to jumping in to fast. I want to encourage you to talk to you partner about your sexual desires, your personal boundaries, role-play various scenarios and discuss each of them fully and then talk about them again. Communication is key when participating in the lifestyle, as well as education. You don’t know what you don’t know and that can get you into trouble if you are not careful. If you are a single man, I would encourage you to be as open with any potential play partners. We have many podcasts about how to safely enter the lifestyle and I encourage you to listen to a few of those with your partner or by yourself. Then discuss what you both thought about what you heard; if your single then write it down. We have many podcasts about entering the world of BDSM as well. I would highly suggest that you begin small when practicing BDSM with your partner. Negotiate boundaries, discuss hard stops, identify triggers and be open from learning from your mistakes. Entering into the lifestyle is a process and it cannot be rushed. You can only move as quickly as the slowest member in your partnership. If you push them beyond their comfort level too quickly, they will shut down and become overwhelmed. You are embarking on a beautiful journey with your partner but it must be done thoughtfully and respectfully in order to be successful. Just to wrap it all together in a very pretty package. You will need strong communication skills, an overall respect for boundaries, raw honesty, patience and understanding for your sexual desires as well as your partner’s sexual desires or your play partners, and expect to make mistakes throughout the journey. Know that many take years to get to a healthy comfortable spot within the lifestyle as they continue to grow and evolve. If you have questions or would like your own personal tour guide into the lifestyle don’t hesitate to reach out to one of our licensed or board certifies professionals to walk you through the beautiful process. You can schedule your free 30-minute consultation on our website.

Q: Hi I’ve been married for 16yrs this month and I just heard a podcast of y’all and need some help please. Like I said I’m married and there are many things that are missing in this relationship. One is I like to masturbate and my wife doesn’t, she says it’s cheating. But I would love to walk in on her. But she refuses. Second, I have begged her that maybe we should go try swinging or go to a nude beach or something exciting but she refuses. She says it’s all charting and no she could never. I want to see her with another guy or lady so bad but no is all I get. I am so open but have to hide it because I love her and don’t want to lose her. But I feel trapped. I want to be with someone that wants to live free and wild. To try new things like this together. I’m just lost. Please help me. I’ll be 40 this month and there is so much I want to live. A: First off, happy 40th birthday! I turn 40 this month as well, we are only getting better with time. As for the meat of your question, that is more complicated and extremely delicate to navigate. I would like to begin with the belief that masturbation is cheating. Unfortunately, there are many people who believe that this is a form of cheating due to pleasuring yourself instead of your partner. This is such a hot topic within many religious communities and since I am unsure of her beliefs, I am going to be making some assumptions in this response. If you were in my office, I would explore the following: 1. What was she taught about masturbation growing up? 2. Was she ever shamed for masturbating? 3. Why does she feel personal exploration of her body is a bad thing? The answers to these questions can help you better understand why she against masturbation and also help you normalize the behavior if the opportunity presents itself. When it comes to swinging, you can beg all day long but if she doesn’t see the benefit of sharing herself and her husband with others then you are simply wasting your breath. As open as you seem to be, she is telling your that she is monogamous by orientation. Monogamy is an essential element to her that appears to be non-negotiable in the same way being open is to you. Many people have strong and everlasting sexual characteristics that have been molded by society with varying degrees of acceptance and stigma. She has told you multiple times, in several ways that she is not interested. This now leaves you with a difficult decision to make; you feel trapped and the tone of the questions indicates that you are unhappy. I want to encourage you to explore ways to spice up your relationship monogamously. Will she wear costumes? Have sex in new places. Creating role-play scenarios can be fun and exciting. I feel that you have come to the conclusion that if she won’t swing then you are doomed for a life of boring sex and that is simply not true. Have the hard conversations about what she is willing to try and do within the confines of her boundaries, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Q: Is there a good way to get involved in the community of BDSM A: Welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM and all of the beautiful benefits it has to offer. There is absolutely a good way to become involved in the community. I want to be upfront with you by saying that you are responsible for your introduction to the BDSM community. With that being said, you are the only one who can make yourself feel welcome at events. If you attend an event and barely say a word, or stand in a corner you are not going to feel welcomed nor fully enjoy the experience. Here are some common newbie mistakes: Newbie Mistake 1: Separating yourself from the group. Many times, some groups go together to events, they know each other, they trust each other, and standing off to the side and watching will not help you meet new friends and potential play partners. Also, men who are standing off to the side watching come across as creepy. So, mingle and talk to others, get to know them. Newbie Mistake 2: Appearing shy or standoffish and not fully embracing conversations when people do come to talk to them. Part of being in this community is building and maintaining trust with others. If you are only giving one-word answers, not participating in the conversation, and truly building friendships then many won’t be interested in playing with you. There are many paths into the BDSM community and I am going to describe just a few of the many ways here. 1. Create a profile on FetLife. I wouldn’t recommend using it for dating but I do recommend using the platform as a means of finding events in your local area. There are so many groups on the site that welcomes a variety of sexual interests. Find the ones that you like and join them. 2. Attend a munch and meet people and learn more about the community. While there will be no play at munches this is a great way to meet people in your area and the kink scene. 3. Read, Read, Read! Learn as much as you can about yourself, the BDSM community, and any kink that might interest you. Visit our website, evolveyourintimacy.com for many free and helpful resources. 4. Attend play parties! Read the party description thoroughly and reach out to the host if you have any questions. Here are some general questions to ask if they are not specified in the description: a. Will there be Dungeon Monitors? b. What are the ground rules for the party you are wanting to attend? c. Will there be toys for general use or do you need to bring your own? Go into each experience with little to no expectations other than to learn more about yourself, your kinks, your desires, and if you play, great! But if you don’t, hopefully, you learned something about yourself, discovered a new kink, and met some great new friends. This is a beautiful world, welcome.