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I can't be the only one this has ever happened to... our old friend jealousy came to visit me recently and that made me say some things in a manner that was not reflective of my true feelings resulting in a bit of damage in my relationship. During a play session with another couple I noticed that my partner was doing things with our lady friend that he hasn't done with me in a while. So instead of doing the right thing and communicating effectively about it I went about it completely wrong and did something never wanted to do and that is hurt him.
First let me tell you what I did and then I'll tell you what I should have done.
Looking back at the experience I now see that I probably had feelings that I didn't understand in my alcohol infused state during play time that resulted in my sabotaging my experience. That is called jealousy. I saw him doing things to her that I wanted him to do to me but instead of using that as a relationship builder, I completely messed up, got my feelings hurt and sent him a text message. In my defense, which is mute at this point, I felt the text message would be received in a more upbeat way. But that's the thing about text messages; they are received through the voice of the reader not the intention of the sender. I tell all of my couples to never talk about important issues through text and then what did I do...
Here is what I should have done but hindsight is always much clearer than the presented issue, right? I should have figured out what he did with her that I wanted from him and said something to the effect of: "I really liked watching you do ---- to her, do you think you could do that to me tonight?" Yes folks, that is the mature way to deal with jealousy in this situation but of course, I did not have the forethought to behave in this way and I hurt my beloved partner because of my inability to effectively communicate my needs.
I am human, sharing your partner is difficult at times but I have made it even more difficult by allowing jealousy to sneak in. I know we will make it through this stronger but it doesn't stop the initial damage my stupidity has caused. Have you every experienced something like this? If so, how did you handle it?
-Sex Therapist Stephanie Sigler MS,NCC,LPC
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