Mastering the Bedroom Racetrack: Rev Up Desire with the Dual Control Model

Welcome, gentlemen, to your guide on mastering the art of sexual response, inspired by Emily Nagoski’s enlightening Dual Control Model from “Come As You Are.”

Imagine you’re behind the wheel of a high-performance car, where understanding and managing the gas pedal (Sexual Excitation System) and the brakes (Sexual Inhibition System) can make all the difference in your journey to mutual satisfaction.

This isn’t just about knowing how to accelerate; it’s about navigating the balance between excitement and caution with the skill of a seasoned driver. Get ready to dive deep into the mechanics of desire, learn how to tune into your partner’s signals, and drive towards a more thrilling and connected sexual experience.

Buckle up — we’re about to embark on an informative expedition to enhance your intimacy and understanding, ensuring a smoother and more enjoyable ride for you and your partner.

Understanding the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

Picture this, guys: you’ve got a car with two fundamental components for controlling speed — the gas pedal (accelerator) and the brakes. Now, let’s apply this to Emily Nagoski’s Dual Control Model from her book “Come As You Are,” but instead of controlling a car, you’re steering through the intricacies of sexual response.

The Gas Pedal: Sexual Excitation System (SES)

Gentlemen, let’s zoom in on the engine that powers your desire and gets that adrenaline pumping — the sexual excitation system (SES), or as we like to call it, your gas pedal. This system is the key to understanding what lights your fire, sending signals from the brain to the body saying, “It’s go time.”

Imagine you’re in a high-performance sports car, the road ahead is wide open, your favorite tune is blasting through the speakers, and you’ve just hit the gas pedal hard. That rush, that surge of excitement? That’s your SES in action. It’s everything that catches your eye, sends your heart racing, and gears you up for an unforgettable ride. It could be a lingering look, a flirtatious comment, or even a fantasy that sends your senses into overdrive and primes you for sexual excitement.

Just like knowing how to handle a powerful car, understanding what triggers your SES is crucial. Is it a specific scent, a type of touch, or a particular scenario? Identifying these accelerators helps you navigate the path to satisfaction with precision and confidence. And it’s not just about the physical — the anticipation, the visual cues, the emotional connection that revs up your engine and gets you ready for action.

But here’s where it gets really interesting. Just as a skilled driver knows the importance of balance between speed and control, understanding your SES means recognizing how to keep that excitement at the right level. There is too little stimulation, and you might not get off the starting line. Too much, and you risk burning out too quickly. It’s about finding that sweet spot where your excitement builds, keeping you in the zone where pleasure and performance meet.

So, as you navigate your sexual journey, remember the power of your SES. Tune into what drives you, learn to harness that energy, and you’ll be on your way to thrilling experiences that are both exhilarating and deeply satisfying. It’s all about mastering the gas pedal, gents — know when to press it, how to control it, and you’ll unlock the secret to a more fulfilling and exciting sexual adventure.

Sexual Accelerators and Brakes in Action

Picture this: you’re on what feels like the final lap of an epic race — the heat is high, the end is in sight, and victory feels just within reach. This race, however, is the journey toward climax with your partner. It’s intense and exhilarating, and you’re both geared up for a thrilling finish. Understanding the dynamics of sexual accelerators and brakes is like knowing exactly when to push your car to its limits and when to ease up on the throttle to navigate a tricky turn.

Your accelerators are those turbo boosts along the course — seeing your partner in that irresistible outfit or hearing those breathy, whispered promises. These moments flood your engine with fuel, revving and propelling you forward with an intoxicating rush of desire. It’s like hitting the nitrous button at just the right moment; your heart pounds, your excitement peaks, and the moment’s thrill consumes you.

However, every seasoned racer knows that hurdles can appear. Enter the brakes. These unexpected obstacles suddenly throw a wrench in your well-oiled machine. Maybe the sound of kids hammering on the door, jolting you back to reality, or the creeping thoughts of tomorrow’s high-stakes presentation intruding on your bliss. Just like that, the screeching of brakes echoes through your mind, cooling the engines and dampening the fiery momentum that was propelling you both toward ecstasy.

Navigating these accelerators and brakes is akin to mastering a challenging circuit. Recognizing and responding to these signals is crucial. The key is striking the perfect balance — knowing how to keep the accelerator floored while also being adept at maneuvering around those brakes, ensuring they don’t grind everything to a halt. It involves some strategy, like finding those moments when the kids are asleep or setting aside the work worries that allow you to disengage the brakes and let the accelerator do its magic.

As you find yourself on this exhilarating ride with your partner, remember the dynamics of your sexual accelerators and brakes. Learning to manage these effectively means you’re not just racing towards a finish line but enjoying every intense, pulse-pounding moment of the journey together. With the right touch on the accelerator and a mindful eye on the brakes, you’re set for a wildly exciting and deeply satisfying ride.

Sensitivity Variations

Think of it as if we were talking about two types of cars or drivers in a race. Some drivers have a car where the gas pedal is super sensitive — just a light touch, and they’re off like a rocket. But their brakes are also hefty and can bring them to a quick stop, no matter how fast they’re going. This is like a person who gets turned on easily but can lose that excitement quickly if things aren’t right.

Then, there are those with a completely different setup. Their car’s accelerator needs a bit more pressure to really get going, meaning arousal might take a bit more effort or the right kind of stimulation. Yet, their brakes are incredibly sensitive; just a hint of stress, distraction, or interruption, and they’re slamming to a halt, no matter how revved up they were getting.

Understanding this is like knowing your car inside and out before a big race. If you’re the first type, with a touchy gas pedal and strong brakes, you and your partner must figure out how to maintain that high speed without hitting those brakes. This could mean ensuring privacy, setting the right mood, or dealing with any distractions beforehand.

For those in the second camp who need a bit more to get going and stop quickly, it’s about finding those accelerators that really work for you and minimizing potential brake-hitters. Maybe it’s about longer foreplay, more explicit communication about desires, or creating a really relaxed and stress-free environment.

The key is communication and experimentation with your partner. Like a racing team tweaking their car for the big race, you’ve got to talk about what speeds things up (your accelerators) and what brings them to a screeching halt (your brakes). By understanding each other’s sensitivity to these factors, you can work together to keep the excitement high and navigate any obstacles that come your way, ensuring a thrilling and satisfying experience for both of you.

Helping Your Partner Decrease Sexual Brakes

Think of this scenario like you’re both gearing up for an epic road trip, but your ride (in this case, her arousal and enjoyment) needs a clear and unhindered path to make the journey smooth and thrilling. Here’s how you can help clear that path:

1. Ensure Total Privacy: It’s like making sure the racetrack is closed off just for you two. Lock the doors, close the curtains, and maybe even turn up some music. This way, she’s not constantly looking over her shoulder or listening for footsteps, like sudden obstacles popping up on the track — forcing her to slam those brakes.

2. Help Her De-stress: After a long day filled with challenges (think of it as a car after a tough race), a car needs some cooldown and maintenance to perform well again. Offer her a massage or something that helps her unwind (like watching her favorite show or a quiet dinner). It’s about getting all those external worries — those nails or debris on the track — out of the way so she doesn’t hit them and skid off the arousal track.

3. Build Trust and Emotional Safety: This is like ensuring the car has the best safety features so the driver feels confident enough to push the limits. Make sure she knows she can express her desires and fantasies without any fear of judgment or misunderstanding. Communicate openly and ensure that she feels supported and understood. This way, she won’t feel the need to hit the brakes because she’s worried about how her desires might be received.

By taking these steps, you’re not just prepping the car for the race; you’re making sure the entire track is optimized for a great performance. This doesn’t just lead to a one-time thrilling experience but sets up a dynamic where both of you understand how to keep the path clear for ongoing excitement and satisfaction.

Increasing the Sexual Accelerator

Picture this as tuning a high-performance race car or getting ready for the ultimate driving experience. Your goal? Get that engine purring and ready to hit top speeds on the track.

1. Know Her Specific Tuning: Just like every car has its own unique specs for optimal performance — be it fuel mix, tire pressure, or aerodynamics — each person has their own specific turn-ons that get their engine revving. Is she all about those heartfelt gestures that show her you care (like the perfect fuel mix)? Perhaps she’s into a certain kind of touch or whisper that gets her motor running (think precision tuning). Or, maybe a particular scenario or fantasy acts like hitting the nitro. It’s your job to figure out these specifics and use them to your advantage. This means maybe taking note of what really gets her going and making sure to incorporate that more.

2. Set the Perfect Racing Conditions: Imagine prepping for a night race; you’d adjust the lighting, maybe tweak the soundtrack to get you in the zone, and ensure conditions are just right for peak performance. Applying this to turning up her arousal, think about how the environment affects her mood and excitement. Dim the lights to create that intimate, cozy vibe that invites closeness. Put on a playlist of music that she connects with emotionally or physically. Make sure the room is comfortably warm — too cold, and she’ll want to stay bundled up; too hot, and it’s discomfort city. It’s all about creating a space that signals her brain that it’s ‘go time’ for pleasure and connection.

3. Warm Up the Engine with Foreplay: Rushing from zero to sixty might work on a straightaway, but when you’re aiming for a prolonged, exhilarating ride, you need a good warm-up. Engaging in plenty of foreplay is akin to gradually pressing down on that gas pedal, allowing her arousal to build steadily until she’s ready to hit full throttle. This isn’t just about physical readiness; it’s mental, too. Foreplay helps her shift gears from the day’s stress and focus on the intense, pleasurable sensations to come. Think of it like those laps cars take before the green flag drops, getting everything up to optimal operating temperature for peak performance.

By focusing on these strategies, you’re essentially tuning and prepping for an incredible journey together. Each step, from understanding what makes her engine hum to setting the stage and then gradually building up the intensity, ensures that when you both hit the track, it’s a thrilling, satisfying ride that neither of you will forget.

Final Lap

Consider this whole scenario as if you’re part of an elite racing team with her; you’re both aiming to win the championship of a satisfying and exhilarating sex life. Now, every great race car (in this instance, the journey to mutual satisfaction and enjoyment) operates on a sophisticated dual control model — essentially, a balance between the gas (accelerators) and the brakes (decelerators). Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to become an expert in understanding how her specific control system works. This means knowing what gets her engine roaring eagerly and what could potentially bring it to a screeching halt.

1. Spot the Green Lights: Like a seasoned driver reading the track and the race’s conditions, your job is to recognize and understand her “go” signals. Is it those intimate conversations, how you touch her, or perhaps those moments of genuine connection and vulnerability? When you see those green lights, it’s your cue to press on the gas responsibly and consensually.

2. Respect the Red Lights: Recognizing when to hit the brakes is just as crucial. This could be due to stress, not feeling safe or connected, or simply not being in the mood. Respecting these signals is critical; ignoring a red light doesn’t just risk a crash — it betrays trust and safety, which are cornerstones of your mutual journey.

3. Embrace the Pace: Great teamwork in this race towards a satisfying sex life means syncing up with her pace. There’s a time to accelerate and a time to coast, letting the scenery and the moment dominate. It’s not always about blasting full speed ahead; sometimes, those slower moments lead to greater anticipation and even more thrilling peaks later in the race.

The more you collaborate and communicate, the smoother and more exciting the race will be. You’ll learn to navigate together, avoiding roadblocks and capitalizing on every opportunity to press the gas and enjoy the ride. It’s about more than just avoiding red lights — it’s about creating a thrilling, so satisfying race that you both cross the finish line with big smiles, eager to do it all over again. Remember, winning is about achieving mutual satisfaction, understanding, and respect in this race.

Ready to start your engines?

Dramatically Yours,

Dr. Stephanie

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Ready to build deeper intimacy, desire, and connection? Start Here, explore 1-on-1 & couples coaching, or schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Dr. Stephanie Sigler.

Dr. Stephanie Sigler, PhD, LPC, CST is the founder of Evolve Your Intimacy and the author of two books, The Clinician’s Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships and The Anti-Fight Journal. Through her coaching practice, workshops, and The Evolve Your Intimacy Podcast with Dr. Stephanie, she helps individuals and couples in monogamous and ethically non-monogamous relationships thrive.