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WOMEN
Pain during sex is usaully diadnosed as Dypareunia. A medical evaluation for dyspareunia usually consists of:
A thorough medical history: Your doctor might ask when your pain began, where it hurts, how it feels and if it happens with every sexual partner and every sexual position. Your doctor might also inquire about your sexual history, surgical history and childbirth.
Don't let embarrassment stop you from answering truthfully. These questions provide clues to the cause of your pain.
A pelvic exam: During a pelvic exam, your doctor can check for signs of skin irritation, infection or anatomical problems. He or she might also try to locate your pain by applying gentle pressure to your genitals and pelvic muscles.
A visual exam of your vagina: using an instrument called a speculum to separate the vaginal walls, might be performed as well. Some women who have painful intercourse also have discomfort during a pelvic exam. You can ask to stop the exam if it's too painful.
Other tests. If your doctor suspects certain causes of painful intercourse, he or she might also recommend a pelvic ultrasound.
Treatment
Medications: Ther are many medications avaialble to help treat dyspareunia, the drawbacks are that the drug might cause hot flashes, and it carries a risk of stroke, blood clots and cancer of the lining of the uterus (endometrium).
Desensitization Therapy: You learn vaginal relaxation exercises that can decrease pain.
Counseling or Sex Therapy: If sex has been painful for some time, you might have a negative emotional response to sexual stimulation even after treatment. If you and your partner have avoided intimacy because of painful intercourse, you might also need help improving communication with your partner and restoring sexual intimacy. Talking to a counselor or sex therapist can help resolve these issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy also can be helpful in changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. This form of treament has been found to have the greatest success among women. Learn More Here
MEN
Pain during sex for men, is the discomfort normally caused by an erection.
A thorough medical history: Your doctor might ask when your pain began, where it hurts, how it feels and if it happens with every sexual partner and every sexual position. Your doctor might also inquire about your sexual history, surgical history and childbirth.
Don't let embarrassment stop you from answering truthfully. These questions provide clues to the cause of your pain.
Treatment
Medications: Pain Durung sex in men is a tad more stream line with so many medications on the market today. However, these medications don't treat the underlined issue, rather they mitigate it. Treatment is recommended before medication, as many medications have negative effects that surpass the original issue and cause further damage.
Counseling or Sex Therapy: If sex has been painful for some time, you might have a negative emotional response to sexual stimulation even after treatment. If you and your partner have avoided intimacy because of painful intercourse, you might also need help improving communication with your partner and restoring sexual intimacy. Talking to a counselor or sex therapist can help resolve these issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy also can be helpful in changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. This form of treament has been found to have the greatest success among women. Learn More Here
Based on these studies, the average length of an erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.5 inches (12.95-13.97 cm), but after taking volunteer bias into account, it is probably toward the lower end of this range.
There are common eight key reasons why people have affairs or cheat: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance:
Though most cheating involves sex, it is rarely just about sex itself. Most participants felt some form of emotional attachment to their affair partner, but it was significantly more common in those who reported suffering from neglect or lack of love in their primary relationship. Around two thirds of participants (62.8 percent) admitted to expressing affection toward their new partner. And about the same proportion (61.2 percent) engaged in sexually explicit dialogue with them. Roughly four out of 10 (37.6 percent) had intimate conversations, while one in 10 (11.1 percent) said, “I love you.” Those who reported feeling less connected to their primary partner experienced greater emotional intimacy in the affair, perhaps as a way of fulfilling that need. Similarly, when infidelity was linked to lack of love, individuals found the experience more intellectually and emotionally satisfying. (1)
People reported feeling more sexually fulfilled when they cheated because of desire, lack of love or a need for variety.
References:
Scientificamerica.com; by Lewandowski Jr.
WOMEN
By definintion, you may or may not have hypoactive desire disorder if you lack sexual thoughts, desires, fellings, and the absence of these feelings causes distress. Weather you fit the medical diagnoses or not we suggest going to you Doctor for a check up such as:
-A Pelvic Exam: this exam can somtimes show signs of your bodies physical changes that may affect your sex drive.
-Testing: Blood, hormone level, and thyrid testing can shows signs of your biological changes that may affect your libido.
-Referral: Your doctor may refer you to a specialist such as a Sex Therapist to evaluate the emotional or mental factors that cause low sex drive.
Treatment
Most Women benefit from a treatment approach aimed at discovering and treating the condition found to be lowering your sex drive. Things like sex Education, sex therapy, and somtimes medications or hormone replacement has great success. It has been commonly reported that most issues with low sex drive can be overcome with therapy.
Sex Therapy
Holding sessions with a Sex Therapist or Board Certified Sex Coach skilled and educated in addressing intimacy and sexual concerns can help with low sex drive. Therapy and Coaching often includes education about sexual response and techniques. Many women see great success with seeing a mental health professsional allowing them to avoid invasive testing, or high medical payments. Learn More about Sex Therapy
MEN
Low sex drive in men is a tad more stream line with so many medications on the market today. However, these medications don't treat the underlined issue, rather they mitigate it. Treatment is recommended before medication, as many mediacations have negative effects that surpass the original issue and cause further damage.
-Testing: Blood, hormone level, and thyrid testing can shows signs of your biological changes that may affect your libido.
-Referral: Your doctor may refer you to a specialist such as a Sex Therapist to evaluate the emotional or mental factors that cause low sex drive.
Treatment
Most men benefit from a treatment approach aimed at discovering and treating the condition found to be lowering your sex drive. Things like sex Education, sex therapy, and somtimes medications or hormone replacement have shown success. It has been commonly reported that most issues with low sex drive can be overcome with therapy.
Sex Therapy
Holding sessions with a Sex Therapist or Board Certified Sex Coach skilled and educated in addressing intimacy and sexual concerns can help with low sex drive. Therapy and Coaching often includes education about sexual response and techniques. Many men see great success with seeing a mental health professsional allowing them to avoid invasive testing, or high medical payments. Learn More about Sex Therapy
Is your libido low or off? Medications, health, stress, depression, neurological issues and more can be to blame. Below are 5 common reasons why you may not be interested in sexual contact:
Low libido When you first met your sexual partner(s) or playmate(s), there was New Relationship Energy(NRE) which took the form of electricity, passion, lust, intrigue, and lots of fun sex. Now, it’s a challenge to remember the last time you were that intimate together through sexual contact. It is common for many relationships go through some sort of down time, typically after 6 months to a year. We invite you to recognize the real-life obstacles to your healthiest, most fulfilling sex life, so you can find ways to overcome them
Cell Phone Use
Technology, computers, and Smartphones keep us connected to everyone except to the people that matter; the one people we are intimate with. We’re on our phones and computers when we spend time together, before we go to sleep, and all too often first thing when we wake up. In a study of nearly 150 married women, 70% said that technology interferes with their sex lives*. Take the time to disconnect and divert your attention to those in the room with you. (*Ref: Health.com)
Life is Busy
When it comes to day-to-day priorities, sex is often forgotten about or put last on your list. We have a to do list of stressors that must be accomplished. When our partner(s) approach us with intimacy, many of us respond with "Really, I have so many things to do and your talking about sex?" Try to accept that fact that not all stressors on your to do list need immediate attention, and relax a bit. Get naughty, it's the biggest stress relief medicine out there.
Physical Fitness
Believe it or not fitness plays a large role in our sexual urges. Aside from boosting morale, confidence, and stimulating your mood, working out activates feel good hormones adding to your sexual awareness and urges. Move around for at least 30 min a day and maintain a healthy eating plan for 30 days and see how much more sex is introduced into your thoughts, life, and bedroom.
Self Image
Hollywood does a great job of creating fairytale images of the sexual and sexy. Being concern about body flaws can leave you hiding from yourself and your sexual partner(s). Your mentality about your body plays a large role in your sexual activity. If you don't like something about yourself determine if it is a long term or short term reachable goal. Go for the small wins and reward yourself with fun sexual play each time you reach a goal.
There are many psychological causes of low sex drive, including: Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression. Stress, such as financial stress or work stress. Poor body image and much more. Take control of yourself and change what you can control and watch your confidence and sexual activity rise.
Q: I'm bi and married, I’m seeing guys professionally and I want to tell my wife. How?
A: Due to the limited details, I am going to allow myself the freedom to assume many elements in regards to your question.
Here are my working assumptions:
1. You are in a committed relationship.
2. You are part of the swinging lifestyle.
3. You are bisexual.
4. You have not openly discussed that you are bisexual with your partner.
5. You are crossing established boundaries created by you and your partner.
There are many times when an individual ‘comes out’ so to speak about their sexuality it is exciting and will want to tell everyone immediately! You feel free to live your authentic self and that is life changing for many.
I want you to ask yourself some honest questions:
1. What is your intent? Do you want to see men individually or are you wanting to incorporate your partner in the play?
2. Will she see this as a betrayal to the relationship or will she be openly accepting?
3. What are the possible outcomes?
Another missing element that I am forced to assume is that your dynamic has some communication issues at this time. The lifestyle is meant to help increase communication between partners and this seems to be damaging the trust you have established thus far with your primary partner. I absolutely agree that you need to have this vital conversation with her but I need you to be prepared for her reaction, whatever that may be.
Your original question asked how do you start this conversation and I recommend your thoroughly explore the questions above and then sit down to face what every may happen. You just have to lay it all out on the table and hope that you can rebuild the trust.
Q: Would love to get your thoughts and advice on how two people (married) can evolve their relationship when they are significantly opposite in terms of sexual openness. Thanks!
A: Thank you for submitting your question and trusting me to provide you with insight. When couples have mismatched libidos or differing degrees of sexual openness there tends to be one partner that feels as if they are missing out on sexcapades or experiences due to their partner’s inhibition. This can result in resentment or a myriad of other negative feelings that can be detrimental to a relationship if not discussed and processed.
I want to begin by stating that as a couple you can only move as fast as the slowest player in the experience. If one partner is more open to various sexual adventures but the other partner is not comfortable with some of the happenings that accompany those adventures then a tough yet healthy conversation will need to be had. This initial conversation will need to explore what each partner would like to occur, what are the boundaries for the less adventurous partner and explore possible areas for growth as a couple.
I highly suggest that you both complete our Sex Menu activity that can be found on our website under Resources. I would print the chart that is provided and present it to your partner as a way to find a common language for your mismatched sexual desires.
The chart is divided into 3 sections:
Section 1: Things I WANT:
This is the area where you put your current requests and desires. I always suggest that you write 5 -10 requests ranging in intensity. If you know that your partner is not going to do what you request at this time then don’t put that in this box, you will have that opportunity to share that in the next section. This section is to help you grow your partner’s confidence in trying new things that you are requesting. If you put things that are an absolute no-go for your partner then they will feel defeated from the very beginning. Remember, we want to push their boundaries but not so far that they shut down and feel negatively towards the activity.
Section 2: Things I would like to try:
This is where you would put the things that might be a bit out of the boundaries of your partner but nothing extremely crazy. This activity is mean to be done at least once a month so as the partner grows and becomes comfortable with trying new things you can add more intense requests. This section is meant to be a preview of what you are working towards and breaking the ice on those requests. These are not demanding or relationship-ending requests, these are just ideas.
Section 3: No Thank You!
This section is for hard stops in sexual exploration at this time. That doesn’t mean that this is set in stone forever, but it is set in stone during this round of utilizing the Sex Menu.
After you have completed the sex menu independently you then exchange it with your partner and have a conversation about the items on the list. You can highlight the agreed-upon activities and table those that might be intimidating at the moment. You can always move requests around on the list or put things on a separate list to try during the next cycle of fun. This activity can be modified to look any way you want or need it to look and that is the beauty of the discussion after the list is created. You are making requests and exploring possible solutions to those requests.
In closing, you want to grow with your partner sexually and if they feel they are being shamed for not having the same sexual spirit as you then growth will be stunted or forced. Forced growth leads to resentment and obstinance. You love your partner; you want to experience many things with this partner but you can not push them before they are ready. If you would like more resources please look through our website or you may sign up for coaching sessions as well.
Q: Hi I’ve been married for 16yrs this month and I just heard a podcast of y’all and need some help please. Like I said I’m married and there are many things that are missing in this relationship. One is I like to masturbate and my wife doesn’t, she says it’s cheating. But I would love to walk in on her. But she refuses. Second, I have begged her that maybe we should go try swinging or go to a nude beach or something exciting but she refuses. She says it’s all charting and no she could never. I want to see her with another guy or lady so bad but no is all I get. I am so open but have to hide it because I love her and don’t want to lose her. But I feel trapped. I want to be with someone that wants to live free and wild. To try new things like this together. I’m just lost. Please help me. I’ll be 40 this month and there is so much I want to live.
A: First off, happy 40th birthday! I turn 40 this month as well, we are only getting better with time. As for the meat of your question, that is more complicated and extremely delicate to navigate.
I would like to begin with the belief that masturbation is cheating. Unfortunately, there are many people who believe that this is a form of cheating due to pleasuring yourself instead of your partner. This is such a hot topic within many religious communities and since I am unsure of her beliefs, I am going to be making some assumptions in this response. If you were in my office, I would explore the following:
1. What was she taught about masturbation growing up?
2. Was she ever shamed for masturbating?
3. Why does she feel personal exploration of her body is a bad thing?
The answers to these questions can help you better understand why she against masturbation and also help you normalize the behavior if the opportunity presents itself.
When it comes to swinging, you can beg all day long but if she doesn’t see the benefit of sharing herself and her husband with others then you are simply wasting your breath. As open as you seem to be, she is telling your that she is monogamous by orientation. Monogamy is an essential element to her that appears to be non-negotiable in the same way being open is to you.
Many people have strong and everlasting sexual characteristics that have been molded by society with varying degrees of acceptance and stigma. She has told you multiple times, in several ways that she is not interested. This now leaves you with a difficult decision to make; you feel trapped and the tone of the questions indicates that you are unhappy.
I want to encourage you to explore ways to spice up your relationship monogamously. Will she wear costumes? Have sex in new places. Creating role-play scenarios can be fun and exciting. I feel that you have come to the conclusion that if she won’t swing then you are doomed for a life of boring sex and that is simply not true. Have the hard conversations about what she is willing to try and do within the confines of her boundaries, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Q: Is there a good way to get involved in the community of BDSM
A: Welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM and all of the beautiful benefits it has to offer. There is absolutely a good way to become involved in the community. I want to be upfront with you by saying that you are responsible for your introduction to the BDSM community. With that being said, you are the only one who can make yourself feel welcome at events. If you attend an event and barely say a word, or stand in a corner you are not going to feel welcomed nor fully enjoy the experience.
Here are some common newbie mistakes:
Newbie Mistake 1: Separating yourself from the group. Many times, some groups go together to events, they know each other, they trust each other, and standing off to the side and watching will not help you meet new friends and potential play partners. Also, men who are standing off to the side watching come across as creepy. So, mingle and talk to others, get to know them.
Newbie Mistake 2: Appearing shy or standoffish and not fully embracing conversations when people do come to talk to them. Part of being in this community is building and maintaining trust with others. If you are only giving one-word answers, not participating in the conversation, and truly building friendships then many won’t be interested in playing with you.
There are many paths into the BDSM community and I am going to describe just a few of the many ways here.
1. Create a profile on FetLife. I wouldn’t recommend using it for dating but I do recommend using the platform as a means of finding events in your local area. There are so many groups on the site that welcomes a variety of sexual interests. Find the ones that you like and join them.
2. Attend a munch and meet people and learn more about the community. While there will be no play at munches this is a great way to meet people in your area and the kink scene.
3. Read, Read, Read! Learn as much as you can about yourself, the BDSM community, and any kink that might interest you. Visit our website, evolveyourintimacy.com for many free and helpful resources.
4. Attend play parties! Read the party description thoroughly and reach out to the host if you have any questions. Here are some general questions to ask if they are not specified in the description:
a. Will there be Dungeon Monitors?
b. What are the ground rules for the party you are wanting to attend?
c. Will there be toys for general use or do you need to bring your own?
Go into each experience with little to no expectations other than to learn more about yourself, your kinks, your desires, and if you play, great! But if you don’t, hopefully, you learned something about yourself, discovered a new kink, and met some great new friends. This is a beautiful world, welcome.
Q: Married for 33 years with no sex for 5, Help! Btw love the podcast and website, it has been very helpful in other areas of our life.
A: Thank you for your kind words and for listening to our podcast. We try to be educational and entertaining so I am thankful that is coming across to listeners. First off, congratulations on 32 years of marriage. That is not an easy accomplishment in today’s society! I hope I can put up with Fox for that long. With that said, a sexless marriage is very hard to even when you love your partner wholeheartedly.
Prioritizing sex can be hard when you are living a full life; however, sex is very important for a relationship to thrive and grow. I would imagine that you are feeling stagnant and possibly insecure. When one partner is experiencing hurtful feelings from not having your sexual needs met then the relationship agreement is no longer working and needs to be modified.
I am not sure about the types of conversations you are having with your husband but you should express to him your true feelings and sexual needs in an assertive way. Before you verbalize your feelings, I suggest you write them down and make sure that you are not placing blame or shaming your husband. If you need help with clearly verbalizing your needs or you're unsure how to say what you need, I suggest that you seek professional help from a sex therapist. They can help you formulate your thoughts in a way that does not cause more harm in the relationship.
I agree with your husband when he says that he might feel strange jumping back into the swing of sex after an extended period of celibacy, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. I would start with Sensate Focus exercises to help ease you both into intimacy with each other. Sensate Focus exercises are a fun, sensual way to reintroduce yourself sexually to each other in a slow manner that allows you to relearn what each of you enjoys sexually.
Sensate Focus Exercise
Quick and dirty version, for the full version you are welcome to visit our website evolveyourintimacy.com and look under resources.
Week 1: Nonsexual Touching – Complete 3 Times During the Week
Fully clothed, the receiver decides where they want to be touched in a nonsexual manner for 15-45 minutes depending on comfort level. You will then switch with your partner and they then decide where they would like to be non-sexually touched for 15-45. Examples: Cuddling on the couch, giving a back, hand, or foot massage, or sitting between your partner's legs and lay back on them while they hold you.
Week 2: Spooning - Complete 3 Time During the Week
Lay undressed in your bed on your left side for 15-45 minutes while the giver wraps around the receiver like 2 spoons nestled together. Adjust your pillows before starting to ensure you are not uncomfortable. There is no talking during this experience, feel your partner's body up against yours, their warmth, their closeness. When the time is come to an end gently turn to the right side so the small spoon now becomes the big spoon, get comfortable, and feel your bodies against each other again.
Week 3: The Blissful Caress - Complete 3 Time During the Week
Set the mood in the bedroom, adjust the temperature to a comfortable setting for a naked body, add candles, add music, anything to get you in a relaxed state of mind and comfort. For 10-15 minutes the giver will caress their partner in the most tender, sexual way possible. Slowly, yet barely touching, guide your hand over their body from head to toe, erogenous zones included. Similar to a gentle breeze blowing over their body, front and back and you are “awaken sexual sensations from the depths of the soul rather than to simply arouse sexually” (Brotherson, 2018). Once the time is up, switch roles and enjoy. The receiver should concentrate on the feelings, the sensations in their body, the electricity being created by their partner’s touch.
Week 4: Touching & Caressing While Avoiding Erogenous Zones - Complete 3 Times During the Week
This week you will incorporate your hands and lips to explore your partner's body, excluding their erogenous zones. We want the rest of the body to become alive through touch as would the erogenous zones would be if they were being touched and kissed. Undress, leave the lights on, and have the receiver lay comfortably on the bed while the giver caresses their body using their nondominated hand and lips discovering the textures and sensitivities of their partner’s body. The recipient is encouraged to move their partner’s hand if touch in a specific area becomes irritating, as well as provide verbal confirmation of what does feel good at that moment. For example, “I love it when you…” or even a satisfied “Mmmmm” will help your partner know they are providing pleasure. There is no time limit at this stage, the receiver will signal the giver when they are ready to switch or stop the exercise.
Week 5: Kissing - Complete 3 Time During the Week
Undressed, you will face each other, depending on your comfort level you can have one partner sit up with their back against the wall or headboard and the other partner sit between their legs with their legs wrapped around the partner’s back. There is no talking, only communicating with the eyes and when ready the giver will initiate the kiss. The kiss is not reserved only for the lips, explore your partner's neck, ears, face by nibbling, kissing, touching but avoid any other sexual contact. During the third time completing the exercise for the week, both partners will respond to each other’s kisses in a shared sensual experience restoring the passion of sensual kissing.
Week 6: Touching & Caressing Including Erogenous Zones - Complete 3 Times During the Week
Similar to week four, but include the erogenous zones; however, orgasm and intercourse are not encouraged. During the first session of the week, the giver will begin with the non-sensual areas of the body and the receiver will signal when they are ready for the giver to move to the erogenous zones. Switch partners when ready. For the second session of the week, the receiver will play a more active role in the exercise by moving their partner's hand to guide them to their most pleasurable places on their body teaching the giver how they want to be touched. Switch partners when ready. In the third session of the week, you will give each other a guided tour of your bodies, showing each other the specific areas of your body that you enjoy being touched and how you want them to touch you. Don’t be shy, this is your time to receive the pleasure you have been missing in the exact way you want it from your partner.
Week 7: Orgasm & Intercourse - Complete 3 Times During the Week
Begin by touching each other the way you were taught, kiss each other passionately. If you are a heterosexual couple, stimulate the vulva owner to orgasm before penetration and if you are a same-sex couple take turns to pleasure until orgasm. There should be so much sexual electricity built up by this time that you are both ready to explode!